Passivity or Passion?
Dear readers, to begin, the words
that I am about to write have broken my heart this past week and have made me
perhaps uncommonly pensive. So much has
been weighing upon my spirit that it is difficult to express what has been on
my heart these past days.
Almost two years ago, my mom and I
first visited a place near our home called the Monastery of the Holy Spirit
(see The Monastery of the Holy Spirit from August 2012). What I saw in the monks there was a deep and
intimate relationship with the Lord that I didn’t have at the time. But I wanted the kind of relationship with
God that they had.
Now, almost two years later, I
realize that I finally understand the intimacy and depth of the relationship they
had with Him. I’m not more spiritual or
religious than others, but as I have grown deeper and closer in my relationship
with God, I finally understand now the kind of relationship I saw that they had
with Him because I’ve experienced it now myself. I can relate now.
There are few people I know, in
fact, with whom I feel this spiritual connection. The monks at the Monastery of the Holy Spirit
are the majority of this group. My
pastor is another. This past Sunday
morning, my pastor began a new message series on our relationship with God as
the Potter and the clay and the qualities that we, as the clay, need to
cultivate in our lives to allow God to mold and make us into the vessels that
He desires for us to be. As I sat and
listened to Pastor Dustin preach, I knew what he was talking about. This isn’t to say that I didn’t find anything
in his message with which to walk away with- there’s always more to learn- but
much of what he was describing, I had either recently experienced in my
spiritual life over the past few months or I’m experiencing now in this season
in which I’m in. I could relate to the
kind of relationship with God that he was speaking of. It was something I could understand. And as I listened, his words flamed the fire
of God in my heart into a blaze. The
passion for God burned so strongly within me, in fact, that I felt like a
Coca-Cola bottle being shaken, and the cap was about to pop off and the fizz
overflow. My heart cried out to God,
“Oh, Lord, I can’t live like this! But I
wouldn’t have it any other way.” I can’t
live without an outlet for my passion for Him to overflow, I’m realizing, but I
can’t live without that passion either.
As Pastor spoke, I looked about the
sanctuary at the faces around me and my eyes were opened. I saw so many familiar people, so many
wide-eyes, so many hearts soaking up the words of Pastor Dustin’s message. I saw good Christian people who, if they had
died right then and there, would’ve gone to Heaven I’m sure. But I saw passive Christians hungry for the
kind of extraordinary, intimate relationship with God that Pastor was
describing. Where was the passion? Why did I not see in these people’s faces the
light of the fire of God that I felt overwhelming me as I sat there? And it broke my heart as I realized that so
many in my own church family surrounding me there didn’t understand the
relationship with God that I have experienced.
That Pastor Dustin has experienced.
That the monks at the monastery have experienced. They couldn’t relate to what Pastor was
saying. They didn’t have the relationship
with God that I’ve enjoyed these past few months. I realized that they didn’t have what I have.
There’s nothing extra-special about
me or the monks or my pastor that have made us any more eligible for this kind
of relationship with God; with my tendency to fight against God’s will, I’m
certain to be in one of the less deserving categories. In fact, the more I see of God’s perfection,
the more I see my imperfection. There
isn’t anything magical or mysterious about it.
It’s just a matter of simple, blind faith and absolute, unconditional
submission to His will. Anyone can have
that kind of passionate relationship with God.
To rewind a bit though, I’ve long had
a burden and deep compassion for people.
In fact, that heart for others that God’s given me can be seen in a
couple of my posts here. I’ve felt a
draw toward missions work before, not foreign missions but missionary work here
in the States. But I’ve also always
planned to stay living close to my family.
I never imagined it any other way.
But the Wednesday before last, God revealed to me that someday He just
might call me forth with my future husband to move away to another state to
pursue a lifestyle of ministering to others.
Perhaps it would be just for a season; perhaps it would be for the rest
of our lives. He didn’t tell me that
much. But as I reflected on all that I
would have to give up should He ever call me to make that sacrifice someday, it
broke my heart. It would mean leaving
behind my family and all familiarity to go to a strange place and minister to
people I’ve never met before. It would
mean perhaps starting and raising our family away from the place where I grew
up. It would mean my children might grow
up distant from their grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins, visiting
only a couple times a year. It would
mean leaving behind some of the luxuries I’ve grown accustomed to in my
well-situated life at home. It would
mean keeping in touch with my family and friends through text messages, phone
calls, and emails. But if that’s what
God calls me to someday, would I be willing to give all of that up to follow a
burden and a passion He’s placed on my heart and the heart of my future
husband? And though a decision like that
would break my parents’ heart and my own, I promised Him in that moment that I
would. I’ll go if He ever calls me to
make that sacrifice someday.
As I looked around the sanctuary at
the faces of my church family last Sunday, the missionary call aroused in my
heart again and stirred further. I
wanted them all to have the kind of intimacy with God that I have. And I suddenly felt so alone. A restlessness drove me to frustration, the
frustration that is a prerequisite to change.
I’m tired of feeling like an alien when I talk of details of my
relationship with God. I’m tired of
feeling like I live in another world when God brings me to a new level in my
spiritual walk. I’m tired of having
people believe my testimony of what God’s doing in my life because they believe
me and not because they’ve personally experienced the incredible touch and
power of God in their day-to-day life.
I’m tired of watching Christians settle for an average relationship with
the Lord and content themselves with a habitual spiritual life. Daily routines are necessary, yes. Passionless spiritual lives are not. Where is the impossible being made
possible? Where is the unbelievable
being believed by faith and trust in the Lord’s awesome and miraculous
capabilities to do the unexpected? Where
are the extraordinary stories of lives being brought to new places so
often? Where are the incredible
testimonies of what God is doing in people’s lives? Reflecting on the journey God has taken me on
these past few months, it sounds hardly believable. But what He is doing in my life is no more
than what He wants to do in the lives of each of His children. He has called us to so much more than what we
often settle for. He’s called us to live
an extraordinary life daily directed and guided by Him even as we go about our
essential everyday routines. He’s called
us to live as passionate Christians on fire for Him, not as weak, passive,
common Christians. I used to live a
normal life before I allowed God to rule and take control, but since then, He
has transformed my life into an incredible journey that with Him is exciting
every day and I would never want to go back to the way it was before. I don’t know about you, but I don’t wanna be
just a “good Christian” anymore. And I
wanna share with everyone the kind of relationship I’ve found with God and wish
that everyone in the world could experience the joy and the life-changing power
of it that I’ve experienced. I want
everyone to be able to understand my testimony not because they trust me to be
telling the truth, but because they have experienced the same kind of power in
their own life and can relate to what I’m talking about.
With this kind of relationship with
God though, I feel very alone at times.
I’m finding that the people I’ve always felt most connected to, I feel
spiritually disconnected with now. I
feel alienated from them in my spiritual walk.
As we discuss spiritual matters, I feel like I’m from a different planet
and talking like a stereotypical charismatic Pentecostal. I’m coming to realize that sometimes though
it’s easier for a new Christian who has never stopped moving to grow closer in
his relationship with God than it is for a long-time believer to break out of
his rut of complacency once he has stopped in his growth-spurt. Also, I’m learning that sometimes, the people
you love the most can be more of a hindrance to your spiritual growth than a
help. The people closest to you have
your best intentions in mind; they only want the best for you. Therefore, they freely share their opinions
and advice and concerns, even doubts and skepticism at times. Godly counsel is good, yes, but even those
that love you the most are still human and their advice can sometimes be a
hindrance by planting doubts and distrust in your mind rather being the help
they intended their advice to be. The
Enemy loves distorting the words of your loved ones sometimes. This is especially true, I’m learning, when
there is spiritual disconnection present.
Sometimes, when you find yourself in the midst of people you love to
death but feel in a very different spiritual experience than them, you can only
grow so much spiritually there.
I’m reminded of Jesus’ experience in
His own hometown, surrounded by people He knew and loved. “Jesus left there and went to his hometown,
accompanied by his disciples. When the
Sabbath came, he began to teach in the synagogue, and many who heard him were
amazed. ‘Where did this man get these
things?’ they asked. ‘What’s this wisdom
that has been given him, that he even does miracles! Isn’t this the carpenter? Isn’t this Mary’s son and the brother of
James, Joseph, Judas and Simon? Aren’t
his sisters here with us?’ And they took
offense at him. Jesus said to them,
‘Only in his hometown, among his relatives and in his own house is a prophet
without honor.’ He could not do any miracles
there, except lay his hands on a few sick people and heal them. And he was amazed at their lack of
faith.” (Mk 6:1-6) Sometimes being among your loved ones is the
hardest place to do the Lord’s work, and therefore, sometimes He calls us forth
to leave the ones dearest to us so that we may continue to grow in Him.
With each day that passes, my
restlessness to do His work and my burden for people continues to grow. And with each day that passes, the spiritual
disconnection I feel with so many of those around me confirms the feeling in my
heart that I won’t be here in this place forever. This brings with it a new perspective of life
for me. Every day, I try to savor the
moments and cherish the time I still have here at home with my loved ones, but
at the same time, the coke bottle fizz is ready to burst through an outlet and my
heart stirs with restlessness to begin that next step in my life of doing what
I feel He will call me to do… someday.
And the waiting for that someday is so difficult at times. But finally, the pieces are beginning to
align. Perhaps the Lord took away my
former dreams because one day, a young man will have a dream- a calling of God-
so big that it’ll need to be shared and my own dreams would only be a hindrance
in my enthusiasm and support of it.
Perhaps He’ll one day call me to use my gift of words, not to write
novels, but to document my own journey of faith and ministry as an
encouragement and inspiration to others.
Perhaps that’s why He’s calling me to cross so many milestones in so
little time… because perhaps He’ll call me forth sooner than I anticipate.
But for now, I wait, I pray, I work
through the milestones before me, I shoulder for now the feelings of loneliness
on my journey of faith. I allow Him to
continue preparing my heart for service and sacrifice, stirring in my heart a
change-producing restlessness, deepening the burden in my heart to share His
love with others, and spurring me to continue trying to encourage those around
me to live not as passive Christians, but as passionate Christians who make a
difference in the world around them and pursue a relationship with God that
goes deeper than the standard which most people are content to settle for. I’m not content with an average life
anymore. I’m not content with “enough”
of God. There is no such thing for me; I
can’t get enough of Him. God does not
want to be a part of your life; He wants to be your life. He wants to so saturate every part of your
being that you cannot answer the question “So what’s been going on with you
lately?” without testifying to what He’s doing in your heart, though some may
react to your answer as though you’re speaking in riddles. The Lord wants an extraordinary life for you
and for me, my friends. Don’t settle for
just being a “good Christian,” but seek a deeper relationship with Him than
you’ve ever known before and allow Him to set you so on fire for Him and turn
your passivity into passion for Him. I
pray that you’ll become one of the lives that my heart connects with spiritually,
and that you’ll come to believe in the unbelievable because of personal
experience. It’s the difference,
friends, between night and day, between white and black, between passion and
passivity.
“But
if I say, ‘I will not mention him or speak any more in his name,’ his word is
in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones.” Jeremiah 20:9
*I so love the
song Embers by Owl City. If you’re not familiar with it, look it
up. Although it’s not technically in the
Christian genre, it reminds me of our mission together as the body of Christ
every time I hear it. I also love the song The Lost Get Found by Britt Nicole.
Photo courtesy: www.123rf.com
~We’ve all heard of the phrase “pulling on her/ his heartstrings,”
but heart-chords? I was struggling to
decide what to name my blog. I wanted it
to be a name that was both creative and meaningful. As I pondered, my gaze fell upon my acoustic
guitar where it stands in my bedroom, and the Lord reminded me that our hearts-
our lives- are instruments. They are
constantly in song, but what melody our heart plays is each of our own
decisions. They can play a melody for
praise or for entertainment. A musician
selects his songs according to his audience.
So do we. Whether our audience is
the world or the Lord, our song will be different. This blog is designed to first, increase my
awareness in finding God and His guidance in my every day and second, to share
the music lessons He teaches me in tuning my heart to learn the chords of
praise He longs to play on my heart-instrument.
Music is a powerful tool. Use it
for His glory. “He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of
praise to our God. Many will see and
fear and put their trust in the Lord.” Psalm 40:3
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