Life is a Gift

In honor of National Suicide Prevention Day...

Throwback to that one night in early August of last year... when I considered suicide. 

Yes. Me. The young woman who is known for her happy laugh and her smile. Who has an incredible life. Who is known by her friends for loving unconditionally and for having steadfast faith in the hardest times of impossibility. 

Yes. Me. 

I was under depression that night. That morning I had received an unexpected blow to my faith and I was finally alone in the darkness of my bedroom. In the silence. Alone with my thoughts. 

And a spiritual battle began in the heavenly realm as I laid there, spiraling into a dark place my thoughts should've never gone. 

I considered for just a moment what life would be like if I wasn't there. I considered it. I considered how IF I were to kill myself, how I would do it. Every way that came to my mind was violent and I can't stand physical pain. Thankfully. 

And I thought of someone who I loved. Someone who would blame themselves when they would hear that I had killed myself. I couldn't let that person live with that guilt for the rest of their life. I wouldn't. 

So I went to sleep. I realized I was tired, emotionally drained, and vulnerable. And I wasn't thinking clearly. So I went to sleep. 

That night as I slept, the Lord caused an acquaintance, oblivious to the details of my personal life, to wake up twice from a dream in which I had committed suicide. To wake up and to pray for me as a battle between Light and Darkness raged for my soul in the spiritual realm.

The next morning, I awoke and life was the same. I still had a lot of hurt and forgiveness to work through. I still had a lot of tears to cry. I still had a lot of nights spent on my knees in praying asking "Why?" I still had a lot of days of doubting and I still had a lot of discouragement. 

But I'm still here. And life went on. I healed. I'm whole again today. I still love. I still hope. I still dream for the future tomorrow. I'm still standing here in faith, praising Jesus. 

No, I'm not suicidal. I had never really considered suicide before; I never have since. But the Enemy is a master at playing mind games in a single moment of weakness and all it takes is one moment. Having a single suicidal thought does not make you mentally ill or less "righteous" and "holy." It means you're struggling, you're in a spiritual battle, and you need help because you can't fight back alone. Talk about it. Pray about it with someone. It's real and it isn't something to be ashamed of. Suicide should not be a taboo. 

Life is hard sometimes. It can be hard emotionally and spiritually. Life isn't perfect. Life doesn't always turn out the way that we think it should. 

But no matter how you feel or what you think or what is going on in your life, you are a BEAUTIFUL person who is LOVED extravagantly by the One Who knows how to love you best. You are still worth being loved, regardless of any reason you can think of. You have purpose. You were not put here on this earth by happenstance. You have LIFE and DESTINY and there's someone somewhere out there in this world who needs YOU. Who needs your love, who needs your testimony, who needs the difference Jesus Christ can bring to their life through YOU. 

You are an INCREDIBLE human being and nothing- I said NOTHING- is worth giving that up and allowing the Enemy to have his way. You are still precious and valuable and worth more than you know. Your life is a gift. 

#nationalsuicidepreventionday #helpsavealife