I go into work later today so I had the morning to reflect and spend a lot of thinking time just me and God. I was laying in bed, listening to some worship music, and simply scrolling through the pictures in my iPhone's camera roll. I looked back over memories, snapshots, events from the past two years, and I saw pictures that made me smile. I saw pictures that made me laugh. I saw pictures that made me wince at the reminder of tears and hurt.
And I realized that I feel something these days that I never have before. You know, nobody's life is perfect. I have frustrations and drama and disappointments like anyone else. I'm still learning how to "do" life, and I'm still trying to figure out this whole "adult thing."
But I looked over pictures and I stepped back to look at my life objectively. I thought of my family and my friends and my precious little niece. I thought of my friend Stacie, happily now expecting her first child, and I thought of all of the young children we've taught together and have sown into their lives together. I thought of my church family. I thought of my young adult small group I'm still finding my place in. I thought of serving at McKeever's First Ride, of the children, of the disabled veterans, the amputees, of my friends from the Dabneys' farm. I thought of my church's recent dance recital I served at. I thought of the park days I have with those I love and the joy of being outdoors surrounded by God's creation of nature. I thought of my single-girl dates I have with just myself and Jesus. I thought of my customers at work and my coworkers, managers, employer. I thought of serving through my job at Children's Healthcare of Atlanta and at Relay For Life and at upcoming events the rest of the year. I thought of the people that God's put on my heart to serve in my future.
I thought of my relationship with Jesus. I thought of my passion to serve Him and to bring Him glory above all else. That burning, driving, consuming desire. I thought of every person I've touched and I've served and I've shown God's love to in the past two years and those I've touched even without knowing. I thought of how many people I'm surrounded by who love me.
And I was overwhelmed. I saw the Lord's hand guiding me and directing me and using me in the past two years. I saw the Lord's hand working in my life in the past two years. And I was overwhelmed. Because nobody's life is perfect. But I think my life is beautiful and in a way I never have, I love my life now. I love my life, and though it isn't perfect, it's beautiful.
And maybe it's its imperfections that make it beautiful.
I admit, I'm really hard on myself. I'm a perfectionist with myself and I'm a control freak in my expectations and standards for the things in my life that I feel responsible for. This past Sunday I was praying in church when the Lord whispered to my heart, gently pointing out to me that I focus so much on my faults. I focus on my flaws like my stubbornness, my struggle with pride, my outspokenness, my "bossiness," my fears, my doubts. And it makes me feel unworthy and unqualified over and over again to be used by God and to be blessed by Him. I know He loves me and I'm awestruck and captivated by His love, but seeing my faults when I look at myself makes me often question how and why He does even love me.
And as I sat in the dim light of my church on Sunday, reflecting on a dance a group of girls had performed to a song called "Stained Glass," the Lord reminded me that when He looks at me, He doesn't see me the way that I see myself. He doesn't see a vessel marred by cracks of faults and a person who doesn't have all the answers, who doesn't have life figured out, and who has scars and wounds still healing. Instead, He told me that He's been trying to show me all this time through my friends, through my family, through my coworkers and my customers, how He sees me, and I've just been so lost in seeing only a mess of mistakes to see what He's been trying to show me.
When He looks at me, I realized that He doesn't see me as the terrible person I often see myself as at times. He sees someone beautiful. He sees a heart that is tender and kind and genuine. He sees someone who is open and vulnerable and humble about her faults and about her mistakes. He sees someone who loves immensely and cares for others. He sees someone who is gentle and sweet-spirited. He sees someone who is persevering, who is strong, who is loyal, who is faithful, who is passionate. He sees someone who leads others by an example and by raising the standard, and He sees someone who inspires others around her and builds others up. He sees a heart that is full of faith and surrendered and that desires purely to do His will. He sees someone who SHINES. He sees someone who has a big future in Him and who has so much left to do. He sees someone who is whole and who is complete and someone who is His precious and prized treasure who makes Him smile and brings His heart joy. The good that others see in me isn't a cover-up of a terrible flawed person underneath, He reminded me. It's the real me and my real heart that He's given opportunity now to show itself and to express itself to the world around it.
My life isn't perfect. I'm not perfect. But maybe it's its imperfections that make it beautiful. I love my life and I love the person that I am, and I'm beginning to learn to see myself as Jesus the Lover of my soul sees me. Because I have a beautiful life and I am beautiful.
And maybe it's time that we stop focusing so much on the cracks and brokenness in ourselves that through Jesus our Father no longer sees.
"Stained Glass" by Jon Guerra: http://youtu.be/QhfpgrqgAso
No comments:
Post a Comment