No Looking Back
“How much would you be willing to
give up for Me?” That’s what the Lord
asked me Wednesday afternoon at my riding lesson as I was brushing Cheyenne,
the horse I was going to ride. In my
last two posts, I’ve talked about having to give things up as God moves us into
a new season, but not everything He asks us to leave behind is necessarily
spiritually destructive He’s teaching me.
Sometimes, it’s just time to move on.
But it’s not always easy.
At this time last year, I had every
intention of owning my own horse someday and training horses for the rest of my
life. But over the past several months,
I had begun to realize that life on a farm, owning horses and training them as
my occupation, was not what God had in mind for my future. My dreams and His dreams for me
were not the same.
It had only been two weeks since I
had been riding when I had my lesson Wednesday afternoon. But as I entered the familiar barn again, I
realized something. The farm was the
same, the horses, my riding instructor Elizabeth… everything was just as it had
always been. But I was different. I felt strangely out of place. And I knew in my heart then in that moment that
I didn’t belong there anymore.
Many of you know why my riding
lessons mean so much to me. If you
don’t, read my post More Beautiful You from November 2012, and you’ll
understand. I had been taking riding
lessons for four years, throughout most of my teenage years. I had grown up there and changed. My riding instructor and I were both just
teenagers when I arrived on the farm for my first riding lesson. God helped me discover myself while in the
seat of the saddle, and ever since, He’s taught me so much in that place. But the true value of it all isn’t in the
farm, for my riding instructor and her family moved to a new farm just last
year. No, the beauty of the place isn’t
in the barn or the piece of property, but it’s in the people always there, my
special little family away from home.
But the memories don’t stay on the farm; I have them to carry with me
for the rest of my life as some of the happiest days as I was growing up. I still love all the horses, and I still love
Elizabeth and am so grateful to God for the kindness of her friendship to me
these past years… but it’s time to move on.
I lived that afternoon with a
different perspective. Every moment was
precious and something I savored and preserved as a keepsake in my heart. The strong gust that blew my hair out behind
me as I cantered, our laughter that carried away on the wind, every beam of
sunlight that warmed my back, every pound of hoof beats beneath me. Every word my riding instructor and I
exchanged as we’ve opened our hearts to each other and shared our dreams and
desires for the future, talking about life and reminiscing about good times. My riding instructor Elizabeth spoke of
training Cheyenne in the first steps to a more complicated maneuver, but even
as she spoke the words, I knew in my spirit that I wouldn’t be there to ever
see her reach that point. As I unsaddled
Cheyenne afterwards, I hugged her soft warm neck and took in her horse scent,
knowing that it would be one of the last times I ever did.
But it wasn’t until I got home and
was in my bedroom that the entirety of what God was asking me to do really hit
me. It sunk in. The girl who rarely cries cried like a baby. I know that my riding lesson days are
numbered and though God’s allowing me to postpone the inevitable, I know that
they’re slowly drawing to a close. My
heart feels as though it’s being torn my chest.
But what God asks us to do isn’t always easy, is it?
A year ago, I knew what I wanted in
this life. My plans were made. I wanted an occupation as a horse trainer, a
successful side career as a Christian novelist, and a cowboy to boot. But God’s taken my every dream and turned it
upside down. He’s calling me to give up
my world of horses, He’s turned away my desire to write fictional stories, and
He’s taken away the old girlish dreams of a cowboy. I’ve sat by watching these past months as all
of my dreams faded away into dust. I
have nothing now, no plans, no future directions yet. He’s begun building my dreams from the
foundation up… the way He wants them to be built. Is it difficult on those days when I feel
utterly lost and disoriented? Yes, and I
have those days. But years ago, I told
God I’d give Him all my dreams, and now it’s time to fulfill that promise to
Him and walk by faith. He took away my
dreams, and I’m trusting that what He has for me on the other side of the pain
of saying goodbye is far better. My
lesson of holding onto hope when I don’t feel hopeful came into use during that
somber afternoon. “From life’s first cry
to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny.”*
Only months ago, I lived in a
fantasy world and I always have while growing up. The fiction world of my novels was my outlet
of getting away from the troubles of the world, and my riding lessons were my
special little world of escaping from reality for a few hours and pretending
that all in the world was right. But now
God’s calling me to live in the here, the present world. Imaginations and childhood dreams are
beautiful, and they’re gifts to be cherished, but God hasn’t called us to live
in our own little bubbles in denial of the world around us. It’s time to wake up to the reality of the
hurt people around us and the lost multitudes still wandering hopelessly in
darkness and unknowing that God’s love is unconditional enough to surpass their
every sin.
A new season comes with its own
changes, and they aren’t always easy. As
the saying goes, “no pain, no gain.”
Sometimes, what God calls you to give up will be a real sacrifice. Like me, it may be something you wanna hold
on to, and what He’s asking you to leave behind may not always even be
something that’s a hindrance to your spiritual life. Sometimes, it’ll just be something of the
past that He wants you to let go of as you become the new you He wants to
transform you into. Maybe He has to take
something out of your life first to make room for something new to come
in. I don’t know what that “something”
is for you… but you do. So I ask
you again… “How much are you willing to give up for Him?” Only you can answer that. But whatever it is for you, when He asks you
that question, I pray that though the very words may break your heart, you’ll
whisper in reply to Him… “Everything.”
And never again look back.
*I recently discovered a great new song called In Christ Alone. I particularly like the simple but poignant
version by Owl City, but unfortunately, you can’t buy it. However, here’s a link to the YouTube video
of Adam Young’s (aka Owl City) rendition, which you can download and convert: www.youtube.com A very anointed song that stirs something in
me every time I hear it.
Photo courtesy: www.123rf.com
~We’ve all heard of the phrase “pulling on her/ his heartstrings,”
but heart-chords? I was struggling to
decide what to name my blog. I wanted it
to be a name that was both creative and meaningful. As I pondered, my gaze fell upon my acoustic
guitar where it stands in my bedroom, and the Lord reminded me that our hearts-
our lives- are instruments. They are
constantly in song, but what melody our heart plays is each of our own
decisions. They can play a melody for
praise or for entertainment. A musician
selects his songs according to his audience.
So do we. Whether our audience is
the world or the Lord, our song will be different. This blog is designed to first, increase my
awareness in finding God and His guidance in my every day and second, to share
the music lessons He teaches me in tuning my heart to learn the chords of
praise He longs to play on my heart-instrument.
Music is a powerful tool. Use it
for His glory. “He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of
praise to our God. Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the Lord.” Psalm 40:3
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