More Beautiful You

More Beautiful You

           

           As you’ll remember from my last post, I just celebrated a milestone birthday this past weekend, and I have to say that unintentionally the theme for my birthday was “beautiful.”  Birthday cards, gift bags, presents… everything screamed BEAUTIFUL!  But there was a time when I didn’t always feel beautiful… 

I’m going to share with you all something that very few people know about me, but something that is a great testimony, a great ministry tool, and that opens the door to an important topic that’s not really brought to light very often.  To start, let me ask you something.  Have you ever hated yourself?  It sounds pretty harsh, I know, but truthfully, whether you’re that kind of person or not, there are people out there that hate themselves.  And what most people don’t know is that I used to in fact.  Now, people say I’m the most confident person and they’re right; by looking at me now, you’d never know what I went through.  So how did I overcome my low point?  Well, like anything, it was a process.

            People have insecurities.  It’s something we all struggle with, whether they’re big or small.  For some people, they’re insecure in big crowds, they’re afraid of public speaking, they’re awkward meeting new people.  Some people struggle with physical insecurities.  They don’t like their hair, they don’t like what the weight scale reads, they think they’re too tall or too short, they think their nose it too pointed or too pugged… the list here can go on and on.  Some people have speech impediments or stutter or maybe they have a foreign accent that makes them feel insecure to talk with people.  Some people are afraid of eating in public because they think they chew weird or they’re terrified of getting food on their clothes and being humiliated.  Insecurities.  We’ve got them, don’t we?  Even in little ways we don’t realize.

            One of the most prominent and devastating insecurities prevalent today among girls and young women is the insecurity of living a lie.  It’s a nightmare come true.  Let me tell you, our world is harsh and cruel on girls nowadays.  And they start early.  Trust me, I know.  I was only eleven-years-old when the lies began contorting my view of myself.  The weight and pressure the world puts on us girls is immeasurable.  If you’re a girl, you know what I’m talking about.  Moms, dads, brothers, this is something you need to grasp because this is something very real that’s being thrown in your girl’s face and she needs your support and encouragement and most importantly, your words of affirmation.

            Look around you.  On the internet, in the stores, on TV… everywhere the world is pushing the idea of what they think a “perfect” woman looks like.  Let’s be honest, we’ve all seen her before; it’s hard not to.  Heavy make-up, slim and unnatural figure, perfectly styled hair- dyed a lot of times, short skirts, revealing necklines, profusion of bling-bling diva costume jewelry…  You know what I mean without me getting more graphic.  And the world is saying to our girls today, “That’s the kind of girl you need to be.”  That’s the kind of person they say we need to become and look like in order to catch attention, in order to be popular, in order to make ourselves attraction to guys.  Ouch.  The lie hurts, but it’s so true to what they’re trying to push on us.  I’ll be blunt, the world is trying to take our little princesses in pink and turn them into pornographic prostitutes held prisoners to the world’s applaud.  We shudder, but let’s face it, that’s reality point-blank, isn’t it?

            Like I said, I began seeing this lie for the first time when I was about eleven-years-old.  Unfortunately, I’m the kind of girl that keeps everything to herself- all of my troubles and struggles- so I had to go through this ordeal on my own; my parents didn’t even know I struggled at one time with this until I told them years later.  But I did.  Growing up, I was the kind of little girl that wore frilly socks and white shoes, fluffy dresses, and bows in my hair.  I was the prissy type, and when you’re little, that’s totally acceptable.  But even at that age, I never truly had any real friends.  In fact, I usually sat in my own little world in my class.  I was obviously different.  But I didn’t mind; in fact, at that age, I don’t think I even realized that I was always left out.  I had my family and that was enough; they were my world and I was content with that.

            But who knows that was only going to last for a season…  By the time I was eleven, the cliques were definitely noticeable.  How could they not be when I got snubbed every time I was around the other girls my age?  And that was not in public school.  That was in church.  Yes, my insecurity is unique in the fact that the wounds didn’t come from outside; they came from within my own church family.  This isn’t to point a finger, but I think it’s time we open our eyes to the fact that church has become a stumbling block to some people instead of the supportive family it’s meant to be.  That needs to change.  No more pain, no more hurt needs to come from inside the church. 

So I was left out, and I began to feel like an odd-ball.  I resented the fact that I was different.  At eleven-years-old, I was beginning to change physically and emotionally.  My family was still great to pal around with, but I wanted friends my age and particularly wanted boys in my little group of acquaintances now.  I was getting older.  I would stand by in the corners watching while all the boys gave all the other girls attention- the popular girls that flirted with them anyways.  No one even knew I existed, I felt.  I tried dressing like the popular girls and acting like them, but of course, I couldn’t make it too obvious or my parents would notice.  And at eleven-years-old, I naturally wasn’t allowed to wear make-up yet like some of the other girls so I could only look so much like them.  I wasn’t the flirt-type; I looked like a fool when I tried it, but then, I was so quiet and shy, I didn’t have the boldness to try it much anyways.

            Most of the other girls and boys were in middle-school already.  Once I’m in sixth-grade, it’ll make all the difference, I told myself.  I reached middle-school and life stayed the same for me.  There had to be something wrong with me, I reasoned.  My long hair was old-fashioned I thought, but I still liked it too much to cut it off; my shirts were too little-girlish I felt; my high-heels were too small; my youthful acne was a devastating trial; my glasses were nerdy… I really put myself down.  The truth is I came to hate myself.  I couldn’t stand to see my reflection in the mirror.  Sure my parents were always telling me I was pretty, but they were biased weren’t they? I figured.  They were my parents.  Of course they thought I was beautiful.

            That went on for a few years, growing worse and worse as I sunk further in my low self-esteem.  At the peak of my struggle, it hardly even existed after being trampled on time and time again.  I never did anything desperate or rebellious- my conscience is too super sensitive for that- but I couldn’t even fathom the harm I was doing to myself emotionally and mentally by beating myself up like that and choosing to believe the lies the world was feeding me.  I was basically telling God by my thoughts and actions that I thought He did a pretty lousy job when He created me.  That He really messed up and went “out there” on His potter’s wheel when He made me.  How hurtful!  If I had only realized then what I was doing!  And I was hiding all of my feelings; no one had a clue what I was going through except for one person who I had told- my cousin and best friend Christian.  I’m so grateful for her friendship especially during that trying season of my life.

            Finally I was thirteen- officially a teenager- and I was getting tired of feeling so insignificant and worthless.  I was tired of feeling bullied all the time and put down.  My two older sisters had moved away for college, leaving me as the only child in the house, and I began to find my own identity apart from being “just” the little sis.  My quiet voice began being heard in conversation and that really boost my ego to no longer be a little mouse in the shadows of the dark corner, always just observing and listening.  My confidence began to grow, more than was good for me, but even overconfidence was better than none at all.  In my overconfidence though, I admit I resorted to a bully approach when facing my disappointment every time I got snubbed.  I was just better than all of them anyways, I told myself.  It was terrible, but it was my first step to healing. 

My parents and I took a trip to Arizona that February, and my former interest in “cowboy stuff” grew.  That autumn, I began taking riding lessons from my present riding instructor.  This was a big milestone the Lord used in healing my wounds.  I was doing something different than most people did, including my family.  Because of that, I couldn’t compare myself with anyone.  It was something I could call my own- the farm was my own little world and everyone at the barn… my own little family away from my family.  It gave me a few hours to try my wings in a safe environment, to be alone without my mom’s watching.  I loved my mom, but I was the kind of kid that always clung to her apron-strings and hid behind her skirt; I used her as a shield of protection against the hurt I felt from the world.  But Momma wasn’t at my side during my riding lessons, and I think that really helped me break out of my shell a lot once I got past my uncertainty of being without her.  And I think Momma understood that.  Parents, if you have a teenager, I don’t recommend giving them the whole leash-length at once, but your kids need to feel a little freedom every now and then in a safe and organized environment, and even then, my mom didn’t just leave me.  She parked her car on the farm and stayed there, watching from her minivan; she was close enough to be a responsible parent, but far enough away to let me feel a little slack in my leash.  It was my time without grownup intervention.  Teenagers need that, moms and dads.  I cannot tell you how much it has meant to me when my mom let me have a few inches of the leash.  It’s vital for a kid’s maturing and it helped me become more responsible for my own actions because I knew she trusted me enough to give me that freedom.  Without Mom, it was up to me to run the show or send it crashing to the ground.  The freedom to test their wings a little means a lot to your teens if they’re anything like I was.

So on that note, I began taking riding lessons.  The years began to pass by, and the Lord continued doing a work in my life and building my confidence in who I was in Him.  Through my disappointments I grew closer to Him and to my family.  Now, four years have passed since the Lord introduced the instrument of my riding lessons.  My situation hasn’t changed much.  I’m still different from the other girls my age that I know; I’m more accepted among adults than among my own peers.  I’m still not popular and no boy’s ever even taken an interest in me before that I know of, my best friend is still my cousin Christian, and I still keep to myself for the most part.  My family’s still my little world, and I’m okay with that now; I love my family- they’re the best.  And I still have long hair and glasses. 

But the person I was at eleven-years-old and the person I am today are not the same.  I’m not ashamed of what I dealt with because I realize now that God used my pain and my hardship for good to make me into the person that I needed to become in order to fulfill His purpose for my life.  Many of you know that I plan to become a published author someday and am already striving toward that goal.  An author is not a typical occupation, and therefore, the Lord knew I would need the courage to stay fast to the dreams He gave me even when people were skeptical and doubtful and laughed at my ideas.  I would need a brilliant imagination, perception, and deep emotions- something the world has stolen away from many of the young people of my generation.  I would need boldness to speak my mind here on Heart-chords and to stand up to the world’s hindrances in my way.  And that’s the kind of person that He’s molded me into.  My riding instructor calls me an over-achiever in my riding.  But I’ve learned that you have to be an over-achiever in every aspect of life if you want to walk out the purpose the Lord has planned for you.

Today, I love myself.  I wouldn’t trade who I am for anyone else in the world.  I’m comfortable and content in the situation the Lord has placed me in, and I know He still has so much more in store for my future.  I’m excited to see what He has planned.  The journey through my early teen years was painful, slow, and one that I wish I could prevent anyone else from going through, but it came.  It happened.  And it passed.  And I wouldn’t trade those years for anything because God had a purpose all along and He used those years of insecurity to make me into the person He wanted me to be… from the foundation up.  And the construction isn’t over; He’s still building.

Mine was a David-and-Goliath story like many of us have, but we all struggle with insecurities in some shape or form, don’t we?  Adults, guys, I’m not just talking about girls here.  This is something we’ve all related to at some point in our life.  Sometimes, it’s the people we would never suspect that are going through the worst experiences emotionally.  There are so many different lies that the world feeds into our minds, and these lies could be finding a place in your own family and you don’t even know it.  We need to be there to support each other in our hard times, so I pray that the Lord will open our eyes to the people around us who are struggling with insecurities and the lies of the world.  And especially if there’s a girl in your life, please take the time to speak truth into her situation and build her self-esteem.  She needs it whether she’s going through what I experienced or not.  Our world is broken with insecurities, and the church can’t offer any hope to it if we’re too bound by our own fears and insecurities to speak up and break the mold of the “norm.”  The world needs people who aren’t afraid to be the unique individuals God has called them to be.  He has not called us to be locked into the mindsets and fears and pressures that the world places on us.  He has made us all uniquely different for our own unique purpose, but if we’re too preoccupied trying to be someone that we were never intended to be, we’re going to miss out on the great plans He has for us.  And they are great.  He’s taken me on paths I never thought I’d be on, and they’ve been awesome.  Life is too short to be a prisoner to fears and insecurities.  As I said in my last post, life is a book written in permanent ink that you can’t erase. 

But it’s not too late.  You can still become an over-achiever and break the mold you’ve squeezed yourself into.  When I learned to accept who God created me to be, I found that suddenly, I wasn’t so concerned about impressing anyone.  It was okay if my hair wasn’t perfect, if I goofed up by accident and blushed in public.  I could laugh at my mistakes now.  I felt so… free without worrying about trying to maintain a perfect image, and I experienced and continue to experience daily, joy and contentment like I’ve never felt before in my life.  I feel free to live every day to the fullest now and to enjoy every part of it.  Don’t be afraid of what anyone thinks any longer; be who you are in Him and allow Him to shine through you in the way He has wanted to since before the day you were born.  Give Him that privilege, and be prepared.  You’re going to be amazed at where He’ll take it from there and the impact He’s going to use You to make in the world around you.  By His grace, I did it.  And so can you.  Remember, true beauty comes from within.  “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment…  Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” (1Pe 3:3&4)  Your life is beautiful in His eyes, and He thinks you’re perfect just the way He created you… and you really are.  There could never be a more beautiful you.    

 

 

“Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God?  Or am I trying to please men?  If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10

 

 

*One of my favorite songs speaks to the insecurities plaguing our girls and women today.  A powerful message of hope and encouragement and a beautiful song, it’s actually the theme of this post.  It’s called More Beautiful You by Jonny Diaz.  Good stuff.  Take a look and check out the other great songs by this guy, one of my favorite Christian music artists.

 

*Several years ago, when I had just then emerged from my struggle against my low self-esteem, I wrote a letter to accompany a birthday present I bought for my older sister.  I was browsing through Hobby Lobby when I came across a pink and blue glass butterfly figurine.  There were other glass butterflies, but this one was the only one of its color.  It was different from the others.  And in that moment, the Lord spoke to me a message that I later typed out on paper and presented to my sister along with the butterfly figurine.  That was one of the first lessons I learned as God was teaching me to hear His voice in the everyday matters of life.  It’s a very powerful letter that speaks to the message of this post, and I’ve shared it with you on The Avid Author (www.theavidauthor.blogspot.com).  The post is titled The Butterfly Letter.  I pray you let Him speak to you and allow His truths to minister to the broken areas of your insecurities and fears and set you free.     

 

Lonely girl photo courtesy: www.123rf.com 

 

~We’ve all heard of the phrase “pulling on her/ his heartstrings,” but heart-chords?  I was struggling to decide what to name my blog.  I wanted it to be a name that was both creative and meaningful.  As I pondered, my gaze fell upon my acoustic guitar where it stands in my bedroom, and the Lord reminded me that our hearts- our lives- are instruments.  They are constantly in song, but what melody our heart plays is each of our own decisions.  They can play a melody for praise or for entertainment.  A musician selects his songs according to his audience.  So do we.  Whether our audience is the world or the Lord, our song will be different.  This blog is designed to first, increase my awareness in finding God and His guidance in my every day and second, to share the music lessons He teaches me in tuning my heart to learn the chords of praise He longs to play on my heart-instrument.  Music is a powerful tool.  Use it for His glory.  “He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.” Psalm 40:3