Little Opportunities

Monday night, I had a conversation with a total stranger in my bedroom. 

I was laying on my bed relaxing when as I scrolled through my Instagram newsfeed on my iPhone, I came across a picture posted by a public profile I follow. It was a Bible verse posted actually. 

It was then in the comments below that something caught my eye. Why? I don't know. Why I responded? I couldn't say. I'm not afraid of confrontation or meaningful debates, especially through written word where I express myself best, but I really try to never get involved in online debates. 

But there was something about this comment. 

"He hates gays. That's not good."

And before I knew it, I was responding to this complete stranger on social media. 

"I'm totally not wanting to start a debate with you," I typed, "but honestly, God hates homosexuality, not gays. He hates the sin, not the sinner. If He hated gays, He would hate every single one of us because homosexuality is no worse than any of the sins we all commit each and every single day. But He loves us all anyways. People who have portrayed the Lord to you as hating gay people are ignorant of God's character and don't fully understand His unconditional love."

I expected a rude response in return to which I purposed to not reply and "add fuel to the fire." I noticed others had responded to this Instagrammer's comment as well:

"Wrong. He hates no one."

"He hates the sin, not the sinner. Just because He says it's wrong doesn't mean that He hates people who do it."

Only minutes later, a notification appeared at the top of my phone screen. The Instagrammer named Shawn had tagged me in a comment. 

"Isn't hatred a sin? So if He hates homosexuality, does that mean God sins? I don't understand."

I was taken back. This wasn't the rude reply I had expected. This wasn't the no acknowledgement that the other responders had received. This wasn't laced with bitterness and hardness and anger. This stranger was someone confused and asking questions. 

I began typing back an answer when I was notified again. Shawn had tagged me in another comment.

"I really don't get it. If He hates the sin, not the sinner, what if you were born homosexual? You're born into sin and automatically hated by God without having a chance to prove yourself? You're just automatically doomed to be hated? Doesn't seem fair."

As I typed back a reply to this individual, my heart was somehow flooded with love for this unknown person looking for answers. It was almost midnight and this unplanned conversation wasn't what I had been looking for, but I typed. My right index finger tapped speedily on the touchscreen of my device as I took the time to answer him. 

"Great question! That's a point that I think gets misconstrued really easily. Hatred itself isn't actually a sin. It's the context of hatred that makes the difference. It isn't a sin to hate someTHING, but it is wrong to hate someONE," I explained. "For example in this case: homosexuality is a "thing" while a homosexual is a "one"- a person. Or another example: God hates lying but He doesn't hate the liar. Does that explanation make sense? And wow, another great point in your second comment! Being "born" homosexual is a philosophy that's taught that isn't actually accurate either. No one is born a homosexual just as no one is born a liar or a thief. Each and every one of us is born with a sin nature in us which God does automatically hate- though He doesn't hate us and never will- and as we grow up, we each have a choice of what we're going to do with that sin nature," I went on. "We can either allow it free reign in our lives or we can acknowledge it, confess it to God, and with His help, strive to live in a way that denies that sin nature and glorifies Him instead. We also each have our own sin tendencies though: one person may be more tempted by the sin of homosexuality while another may be more tempted by another form of sin. Homosexuals, whether they all realize it or not though, made the choice sometime in their life to give into that temptation of homosexuality though. Perhaps they never intended it to go that far- giving into temptation often leads us to habitual sins that we never originally expected- but it was a choice they made."

I laid there waiting a bit anxiously, worrying, praying that Shawn wouldn't respond confrontationally with a question I couldn't answer or with a rigid point of view that I couldn't reason with. As I waited, the peanut gallery of public social media chimed in: two uninvolved and random strangers coming to my support.

"Amen!"

"I could not agree more!!!!"

Then the notification came from Shawn.

"That actually makes a lot of sense, thank you! (: "

----------

Why did Shawn's comment catch my eye? I don't know. Why did I respond? I couldn't say. Why did he reply to my comment rather than to the others'? I have no idea. But through it, a brief conversation followed through which I was able to share with that young man how much God loves him and how much God loves us all. 

And it made me question how many people we cross paths with who we're afraid or anxious or merely uncomfortable talking about Jesus with because we don't feel confident that we'll have the answers or we're afraid of starting a debate. People to who we're afraid we'll sound illogical and just emotionally-driven. But how many of those people aren't looking to start an argument but instead just have questions and are simply looking for answers and someone who will take the time?

No matter where we are- mine even came while alone in my bedroom- God will bring opportunities into our lives for us to plant seeds of faith in people's lives. But how many of those opportunities I wonder do we overlook and miss?

Stained Glass

I go into work later today so I had the morning to reflect and spend a lot of thinking time just me and God. I was laying in bed, listening to some worship music, and simply scrolling through the pictures in my iPhone's camera roll. I looked back over memories, snapshots, events from the past two years, and I saw pictures that made me smile. I saw pictures that made me laugh. I saw pictures that made me wince at the reminder of tears and hurt.

And I realized that I feel something these days that I never have before. You know, nobody's life is perfect. I have frustrations and drama and disappointments like anyone else. I'm still learning how to "do" life, and I'm still trying to figure out this whole "adult thing."

But I looked over pictures and I stepped back to look at my life objectively. I thought of my family and my friends and my precious little niece. I thought of my friend Stacie, happily now expecting her first child, and I thought of all of the young children we've taught together and have sown into their lives together. I thought of my church family. I thought of my young adult small group I'm still finding my place in. I thought of serving at McKeever's First Ride, of the children, of the disabled veterans, the amputees, of my friends from the Dabneys' farm. I thought of my church's recent dance recital I served at. I thought of the park days I have with those I love and the joy of being outdoors surrounded by God's creation of nature. I thought of my single-girl dates I have with just myself and Jesus. I thought of my customers at work and my coworkers, managers, employer. I thought of serving through my job at Children's Healthcare of Atlanta and at Relay For Life and at upcoming events the rest of the year. I thought of the people that God's put on my heart to serve in my future. 

I thought of my relationship with Jesus. I thought of my passion to serve Him and to bring Him glory above all else. That burning, driving, consuming desire. I thought of every person I've touched and I've served and I've shown God's love to in the past two years and those I've touched even without knowing. I thought of how many people I'm surrounded by who love me. 

And I was overwhelmed. I saw the Lord's hand guiding me and directing me and using me in the past two years. I saw the Lord's hand working in my life in the past two years. And I was overwhelmed. Because nobody's life is perfect. But I think my life is beautiful and in a way I never have, I love my life now. I love my life, and though it isn't perfect, it's beautiful. 

And maybe it's its imperfections that make it beautiful. 

I admit, I'm really hard on myself. I'm a perfectionist with myself and I'm a control freak in my expectations and standards for the things in my life that I feel responsible for. This past Sunday I was praying in church when the Lord whispered to my heart, gently pointing out to me that I focus so much on my faults. I focus on my flaws like my stubbornness, my struggle with pride, my outspokenness, my "bossiness," my fears, my doubts. And it makes me feel unworthy and unqualified over and over again to be used by God and to be blessed by Him. I know He loves me and I'm awestruck and captivated by His love, but seeing my faults when I look at myself makes me often question how and why He does even love me. 

And as I sat in the dim light of my church on Sunday, reflecting on a dance a group of girls had performed to a song called "Stained Glass," the Lord reminded me that when He looks at me, He doesn't see me the way that I see myself. He doesn't see a vessel marred by cracks of faults and a person who doesn't have all the answers, who doesn't have life figured out, and who has scars and wounds still healing. Instead, He told me that He's been trying to show me all this time through my friends, through my family, through my coworkers and my customers, how He sees me, and I've just been so lost in seeing only a mess of mistakes to see what He's been trying to show me. 

When He looks at me, I realized that He doesn't see me as the terrible person I often see myself as at times. He sees someone beautiful. He sees a heart that is tender and kind and genuine. He sees someone who is open and vulnerable and humble about her faults and about her mistakes. He sees someone who loves immensely and cares for others. He sees someone who is gentle and sweet-spirited. He sees someone who is persevering, who is strong, who is loyal, who is faithful, who is passionate. He sees someone who leads others by an example and by raising the standard, and He sees someone who inspires others around her and builds others up. He sees a heart that is full of faith and surrendered and that desires purely to do His will. He sees someone who SHINES. He sees someone who has a big future in Him and who has so much left to do. He sees someone who is whole and who is complete and someone who is His precious and prized treasure who makes Him smile and brings His heart joy. The good that others see in me isn't a cover-up of a terrible flawed person underneath, He reminded me. It's the real me and my real heart that He's given opportunity now to show itself and to express itself to the world around it. 

My life isn't perfect. I'm not perfect. But maybe it's its imperfections that make it beautiful. I love my life and I love the person that I am, and I'm beginning to learn to see myself as Jesus the Lover of my soul sees me. Because I have a beautiful life and I am beautiful. 

And maybe it's time that we stop focusing so much on the cracks and brokenness in ourselves that through Jesus our Father no longer sees. 

"Stained Glass" by Jon Guerra: http://youtu.be/QhfpgrqgAso

Lake Reflections

Last Sunday afternoon, I devoted the day to family time and went canoeing with my parents. It's free, it's fun, and I love the outdoors now so I spend a lot of my free time these days at the park. 

We went to a veteran's park called Black Shoals Park near our home for the first time and spent a few hours on the lake. The lake was a good size. My parents didn't catch any fish, but we had a lovely afternoon anyways. 

On our canoeing escapades, my parents always fish, but I never do. Why? Because I'm too impatient to catch anything. But also because for me, the greatest part of being outdoors in God's masterpiece of nature is just thinking. Reflecting. Clearing my mind. Praying. And eating. Never forget eating. 

That said, after almost single-handedly eating all of our snacks in our first hour on the lake, I sat back to take dozens of pictures and to let my mind wander. I slid down from my seat in the middle of the boat to sit on the floor of the canoe, and I reached over the edge of the boat to feel the water. It was a warm day but the water was cold and numbed my fingers as it lapped against my hand. But water... I love the feel and sound of water. It's so peaceful and lulling. Sitting on the bottom of the boat, I could feel the waves battering against the side of our canoe, and with a breeze across my face and the warm sun shining down on me, I drifted asleep, taking a twenty-minute nap as I felt all of my cares and thoughts of work and the unknown in my life fade away forgotten for a few hours. It wasn't about the past; it wasn't about the coming week. That afternoon was about that one moment, and for that moment, nothing else mattered. 

I was sitting there feeling like Pocahontas as my dad steered our motorized canoe cutting across the lake. I felt the wind on my face; I watched the waves slip away behind us in foamy bubbles and gentle ripples, and the word that came to my mind as I took in its beauty around me was "Freedom."

Freedom. There's no one but the Lord who tells the waves which way to travel. There's no one but the Lord who tells the wind which direction to blow. There's no one but the Lord who tells the sun when and where to rise and set every dawn and every dusk. There's no one but the Lord who tells the trees when to burst into bloom, when to ripen full and green in summer, when to lose their foliage in fall. 

Man may try, but there is no one who can restrain and control nature but the Lord. Apart from His direction, it has no boundaries, it has no expectations to fulfill, it has no imposed limitations. 

And I realized as I watched its freedom that that's what I was made for. What each of us was made for. 

I have a big future ahead of me. For as long as I can remember, I've sensed it, I've had it prayed and prophesied over me, and more and more recently, I've become aware of it. We all have big futures in our own ways, and I've felt so small at the thought of my own future and at the realization of how endless its possibilities are. The future is a very big place. It's intimidated me at times. My life has changed dramatically in just the past first few months of the year and it continues to change. It overwhelms me sometimes. I myself have changed dramatically in the past few months and I continue to change and mature emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and in character. 

Through it all, I'm reminded that I have a big future ahead of me. I'm in a stage of life where I'm old enough now and in a place now where I can start embarking on my plans and implementing steps to make my dreams and those things that God's put on my heart a reality. I feel the responsibility and even the sobering of it at times more than ever in these recent months. I have a big future ahead. But I need freedom to thrive and reach the measure of everything that God has in store for me to do and be used by Him. 

As I felt the waves dissipate against our canoe, as I felt the wind against my face and through my hair, as I felt the sun rays on my skin and heard the sound of the lake water, I captured the afternoon in an experience of all of my senses, and the Lord reminded me that I need that kind of freedom that He's given nature. It's the kind of life He intended for me to live. For each of us to live. But too often, we allow the opinions and perspectives of others to dictate to us what we can and cannot do. What is practical and realistic and possible. Too often we allow society's expectations and standards of what is "normal" and "acceptable" and "expected" to define our boundaries and limitations. To restrain our ambitions and to stumble our dreams and our goals. To fetter our feet from walking in the direction the Lord calls us to walk and to chain our hands from doing the work He has predestined and prepared us to do. To influence our minds and the way that we think into the cage of comparison where we begin to impose our own limitations and build the walls of our own confinement based off of what we observe as normal and expected and status quo in lives around us. 

It isn't about rebellion: it's about being brave enough to step into the unknown and the unfamiliar and the uncharted, even when you walk alone and even when with some people, it will always make you unpopular. About rising above the boundaries that society tries to shackle us with and proving that there can be more to this life than it tells us there can be. There IS more to this life. 

The future is a big place and the Lord has big things planned ahead for each one of us. There isn't room for allowing others to tell us what the unique and incredible life stories He has for each of us should like. That isn't my place or your place to define. I'm reminded time and time again that the fullness of what God has for us is about allowing the Lord and only the Lord to define and direct what my future and what your future looks like. It's about courage. It's about faith. It's being set free. 

"For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galatians 1:10

"...charge them not to be haughty, nor to set their hopes on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly provides us with everything to enjoy. They are to do good, to be rich in good works, to be generous and ready to share, thus storing up treasure for themselves as a good foundation for the future, so that they may take hold of that which is truly life." 1Timothy 6:17-19

"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." Proverbs 19:21

"The heart of man plans his way,

but the Lord establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5&6

 Little baby turtles... So cute! I love turtles.

            My pretty stylish life vest ;)

            Headed back to the dock

A beautiful covered bridge we drove through

Harrison Shoals Road in the gorgeous last light of the afternoon 

 

In the Everyday

I love this picture I caught yesterday right as the wind was turning the page of my Bible. Seeing it moving as if on its own reminded me of the verse from Hebrews: "For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart." (Hebrews 4:12)

What a wonderful afternoon I had yesterday! Truth, I was just shopping by myself in the Avenue (the Shops), but the Lord spoke to me so much and reminded me of so many things. When you're by yourself and you only have your own voice and God's voice to listen to, I find it's easier to hear Him speak. :)

I went there to buy a white belt at Charming Charlie's, but while there, I decided to get in some exercise and I briskly walked over two miles, circling laps around the shops. Truthfully, I felt really awkward at first. Awkward and out of place. I walked past young couples strolling along holding hands. I walked past girls in cute sundresses. I walked past moms with their children. I walked past two girls who I heard behind me talking about me- not bad  things but still. I walked past women in short dresses and high heels and past the classy couple in their BMW who were going into the expensive suit shop. I walked past over and over the same people in the same nice restaurants. And there I was in a tank top, capris, and sneakers, my hair pulled back in a ponytail and headband, getting flushed and sweaty and out-of-breath. 

That's when I passed two young ladies walking opposite my direction. Two very nice and pleasant young ladies about my age wearing exercise clothes. "Are you working out?" one asked me with a smile. I laughed. "Yes, I am!" I said. She must've seen the determination in my stride. "You go, girl!" the other young woman cheered me on. And somehow, I felt more comfortable then. 

It helped me feel so thankful for the cheerleaders in my life- both those who God puts in my life for less than a minute like those two girls and for those who are in my life for years. For all of the people who, though they may not be able to join me in my journey, come alongside me, pray for me, encourage me, care about me and my life and my little victories. But what's more, it reminded me of how even the simplest and smallest efforts we make to connect with people can have a profound effect. That interaction- small and seemingly insignificant as it was- stuck with me all day and motivated me. It kept me going. It was one of the best parts of my afternoon. Never underestimate the effectiveness of the little ways God can use you. 

"Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing." 1Thessalonians 5:11

On my fourth lap, I began feeling the pain and the heat building up in my thighs. Oh, it burned! But I had to push past it. It reminded me of two Scripture passages: 

"...forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13&14

"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life." Romans 5:3-10

Life has its ups and downs. Like anyone's life, my life isn't perfect. I have a lot of blessings and a lot to be thankful for, but I still have my difficult days like anyone else. I get anxious, I worry, I get stressed, I have some conflict like anyone else. But it's through the rough patches- through the difficulties of life- that we have to push through and keep running the race that God has called us to run. Because it's through the pain when we want to give up, that we grow spiritually and stronger in the Lord and that character is produced in us. 

In my laps, there was a "We're Open for Lunch" small chalkboard sign in front of Macaroni Grill that continued to fall in the strong breeze that was blowing. And every time I passed, I bent to pick it up. Yet in that, the Lord reminded me that even despite our running the race of life and our busyness being driven and focused on what He calls us to do, we should never become so focused that we lose sight of the those around us and the opportunities the Lord places in our path every day to touch people's lives and serve Him. Sometimes we need to slow down and help those along the path of our journey. 

I ended my exercising by rewarding myself with Peachwave frozen yogurt- chocolate with coconut flakes (of course coconut). ;) I sat at a table in front of Barnes & Noble with my yogurt and spent some time reading from the Gospel of Luke, some Good Friday reading, and the Lord spoke so much to me through the familiar story of His crucifixion that I had heard dozens of times since I was a little girl. But I read it with different eyes this time. And sitting there, I was reminded that despite everything going on in our nation, I am so blessed and so fortunate to live in America, in a country where I can sit and read my Bible in public without fear. 

I ended my shopping expenditure by listening to my favorite hymn "Be Thou My Vision" and to my peaceful Hawaiian slack key guitar music on my drive home. But I was reminded that wherever we are, whatever we do, we can find God and hear His voice in our every day if we only stop, slow down, and take the time to look and listen for Him. May we go about today and every day with eyes and ears open to see Him all around and to feel His presence. 

Happy Easter and Resurrection Sunday tomorrow, everyone!

Never Alone

I've had my driver's license for over a month now. I've had my car for just as long. 

For most new drivers, driving on their own in a new-to-them, nice car is thrilling. It's liberating. It's exhilarating. It's freedom. Most new drivers are young, in their teenage years, eager and restless to test their wings. It's an exciting experience. 

But to me, this past month has had a different effect on me. 

It's been exciting. It's been convenient. It's been nice being able to go places without worrying about other's schedules or inconvenience. But it isn't what I expected it to be like. 

I didn't expect it to change me the way that it has. 

I've always been very close to my parents. Partly because since I couldn't drive on my own, I tagged along with them everywhere and they drove me everywhere. But mostly, it was because I love my parents and I love spending time with them. I love their company. We used to do everything together and we all three loved it that way. It's an advantage of being the youngest child, the last one at home, and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

But in the past month, that's been changing. I still love hanging out with my parents and my whole family, but we've been spending less time together. It isn't a good thing, nor would I say that it's a bad thing. It's change. And change is what it is. 

I've watched this past month as a path of my own is being laid. I'm watching as my life is beginning to slowly veer off in its own direction. The direction the Lord has for it. I'm watching as my parents are beginning to experience for the first time what it's like to be empty-nesters, to have all adult children with their own lives. I'm watching as they find their new identity- or their old identity again I should say- together as a couple apart from their children, and I've been watching- encouraging even- as they've begun building a new season of life as just the two of them. 

This past month, I've spent less time than usual with my parents and more time than usual with my friends and my church family. My social life and my family life is at a balance with each other now. I've strengthened relationships and made new connections. I've developed a physical presence of my own apart from my family and apart from my parents' name and reputation. I've been stretched out of my comfort zone and I've had to problem solve on my own when my parents aren't there. I've had to make more decisions on my own and rely on my own good judgement and discernment and common sense. I've had to use my own money and learn to be wise with my own finances, setting myself limits and following them. I've had to watch my own back and be aware of my own surroundings when I'm not in the protection and shelter of my mom and dad. 

And somewhere on the road, going back and forth between home and my destinations, it's changed me. 

I've always been independent and have always had a pioneering spirit, but now I find myself in a season on my own more than ever. On one side, I have my church family and my closest girlfriends, supporting me in their own way. On the other side, I have my loving family, supporting in their own way. And I with my time oscillate like a clock pendulum between the two sides. My time is never wholly devoted to one group anymore long enough to feel settled. To feel a true resting place where I can stay and never leave. 

Somewhere in the middle between my family and my friends, I find myself alone. And it's in the silence of my car when I'm on the road, when the echo of laughter has ceased and no one else is around, that I feel it most. 

Maybe a few months ago, I thought I would've hated that feeling. But I don't. 

Between driving to and fro, running errands, job-hunting, I think I spend more time now alone than I ever have. But the truth is, I'm not lonely. In this past month, I've never once felt loneliness. In fact, I like being alone. Not because I'm antisocial and I don't enjoy the company of others anymore, but because it's when I'm alone that I'm most aware of His presence with me. 

In the past month, I've felt the Lord's presence throughout my days in a way I never have before. Since having my own car, I've spent more time with Him alone as I drive than I have in a long time: thinking, praying, listening to worship music, singing to Him at the top of lungs without worrying about hitting a high note, even bobbing my head a little sometimes. Driving with the windows down on a mild sunny afternoon, the wind blowing, my cheetah-print sunglasses on, singing to Jesus... It's been wonderful!

I've found myself more available than ever for the Lord to use me without the cares and consideration of others with me. Without worrying about what anyone with me will think or how they'll feel or hearing them say that my actions will be socially awkward. Without worrying about the time and disrupting their agenda because if God were to call me into motion, I'd only have my own time to lose. I've been able to help people in small ways. Small acts of kindness with a genuine smile. I've been able to take the time to small talk one-on-one with servers and cashiers, helping them laugh again amidst a long day of work. I've been able to compliment people and make their day a little brighter. I've been able to confidently meet people's eyes and exchange a smile with them, shining God's love and joy to them without saying a word. I've been able to reach out in kindness to more people. 

And as a result, I've begun seeing my actions changing even when I'm not alone anymore. I find myself more aware of the individuals around me and more perceptive. I ask the cashier how she's doing before she asks me. I make friends with people: maybe only for a few minutes, but for those few minutes, we're friends. I'm becoming more bold in reaching out to others. I see a world around me now that can use more happiness and I want people to feel more joy and believe again when they cross my path, be it for a couple minutes or for forever, that there is still love and goodness in this life.

“Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile.”-Mother Teresa

When I began driving on my own, I felt like I was being thrown to the wolves at the thought of braving the "real world" on my own. I held the conception that the majority of people are rude and difficult, self-seeking, concerned with only their own interests. But being on my own has restored my faith in humanity. I found just the opposite. I've encountered genuinely kind people. People who are good-hearted. The majority of them, in fact. People who will even offer a helping hand to those around them. My perspective has changed. And I think perhaps, just maybe, how we perceive people's attitudes has a lot to do with our own expectations and attitudes. 

But more than anything, I've been aware of the Lord's presence with me in a way I've never experienced before. When I'm on the road, driving to and fro, it's just me and God and my little car Leilani, that "Sonoma Red" Nissan Altima. I find myself alone, restless, somewhere tossing back and forth between my friends on one side and my family on the other. And I've learned more than ever- really learned- that no matter where I go in this world, near or far, no matter what people and strangers I find myself surrounded by, I am never alone. In my travels, in my stepping out to do what God calls me to do, in my going to new places and my meeting new people, in those seasons when my friends and my family may not always be at hand... there is still one Someone Who I have with me every minute of every day. Someone Who is with me in the craziness and chaos of interacting with a busy and fast-paced world. Someone Who is with me in the love and laughter of my time spent with my family and my friends. Someone Who is with me when I'm driving alone in the quiet of my car on a serene back road. 

People will come and go in my life. Change is inevitable. Life takes us to different places. God has a unique path for each of our lives to take. But I've learned to recognize and to feel the Lord's presence with me now wherever I go. 

"...I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." -Joshua 1:5,9

And I know this now, not just in my head but in my heart. Is change hard, yes. Is physical distance difficult, of course. But I know now that wherever Jesus takes me in this life, even in the moments when I feel alone, He is always with me and His presence gives me joy and it gives me peace and it gives me comfort. Wherever He is, I can feel at home. In Him rests my place of belonging. And if He is with me, that is all that I need. He is all I need. 

But The Greatest of These

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1Corinthians 13:13

Valentine's Day. The day to celebrate love. It's always been one of my favorite holidays. 

Valentine's Day generally brings to mind the thought of hearts and roses and chocolates. Of Cupid, of cute stuffed bears, of romantic dates. As young children, we make handmade valentines for our family and we pass out paper valentines to all of our friends at school. But then we grow up, we get older, and somehow our definition of Valentine's Day grows narrower. February 14th. It becomes a day of romance. 

For those who don't know or couldn't guess, I'm a romantic. I admit it. Difficult as it is for me to fall in love, I am a romantic. 

And I'm single. I don't talk much about my being single. Girls who talk of their singlehood often- even jokingly- are girls who I think must dwell on their status a lot. And I just don't anymore. 

But on today- Valentine's Day- I know a lot of single girls around the globe are feeling lonely and left-out. So I'm making an exception. With my heart for young women's ministry, I wanted to share my own journey of being single (or part of it anyways). One of my friends told me that there's something in my raw story every girl can relate to, and if she's right, I hope to encourage a beautiful girl somewhere whose heart is feeling alone today. 

You could say that my love story began when I was a little girl. Growing up with two sisters considerably older than I, by the time I was old enough to really remember anything- five, six, seven-years-old- they were teenagers and preteens already. I remember my dad teasing them about the boys they liked, their writing in their secret journals, and my watching chick-flicks with them and my mom before I was old enough to even fully understand the movie plots. I was introduced to romance fairly young, though not as young as many girls now. 

As you might expect though, I therefore turned into quite a romantic early on. In my make-believe world, there was always romance. Generally, romance was the main theme. When I played with Barbie, there was always Ken. When I played with my girl Fashion Polly doll, there was always a boy doll. In fact, my creative little imagination was dreaming up romantic themes so young that my mom wouldn't even let me play them out yet. My mom was always cautious, never wanting me to grow up being "boy crazy." At the time, I didn't understand, but looking back now, I'm thankful for her guarding my young heart for me and my future husband. 

While I was such a romantic though as a little girl, I never associated romance with myself. I played it out, I loved fairytales like most all girls do, I loved chick-flicks, but I never liked any boys then. And it just freaked me out to have them like me, like the little boy who always wanted to hold my hand in children's church when I was four-years-old. I would play house and take care of all of my babies (my stuffed animals), but even as I grew older through elementary school when many little girls experience their first "crush," the absence of a daddy in my playing house never once crossed my mind. It wasn't that I was the kind of girl turned off to boys. I never thought them nasty (with a few exceptions) or thought they had cooties. I just didn't like boys in that way. In fact, I remember even trying once to develop a crush on a boy. My big sisters liked boys, so shouldn't I? I reasoned. I chose one of the better-looking boys at our church at the time and fervently tried feeling butterflies for him. As you might expect, it didn't work. 

I was eleven-years-old when I liked a boy for the first time. I was completely and blindly infatuated. It was the worst. I look back now and I would hate that time were it not for the Lord using it for good through the lessons it taught me. But it left me with regret and wariness to work through. 

First boy I ever liked, I was super shy, awkward preteen age, and I've never been a flirt. Needless to say, it was a recipe for heartache. 

By the time I was thirteen, I had been overlooked and very hurt. Combined with rejection from cliques, I had no ounce of self-esteem left. I thought there was something seriously wrong with me for no boy to notice me. It had left me very bitter toward the boy I was infatuated with and it took me years to heal and forgive him, though the poor clueless kid had no idea how he had crushed his silent admirer. 

That had been the first and only infatuation I've ever had in my whole life. As a teenager, I would hear other girls- even my best friend then- moon over celebrities or talk about all the boys they thought were cute and had crushes on, and I would feel so abnormal and left-out. Like I didn't really fit in. Because I felt nothing. I never had another crush, another infatuation, on anyone. It made me feel like I was supposed to. 

In my early teens, it really used to bother me that I never received any attention from boys. I would watch other girls who I knew or who I would see who were noticed and flirted with by guys, and I would feel envious. I would feel like something was wrong with me. I would wonder what those girls had that I didn't, what was any different about me. By the time I was fifteen though, my perspective had begun changing. I still had my moments, but really, I no longer wanted male attention. I only wanted to be noticed and admired and catch the attention of one guy and one guy only: my future husband whoever he was. 

My romantic feelings became entirely focused on this one unknown individual. I stopped looking for boys to like and generally stopped trying to catch boys' attention. I didn't want infatuations anymore. They were so shallow and brought so much drama. I wanted something real and something beautiful. I wanted someone I could deeply love and care for and support with everything in me. I wanted a young man I could genuinely respect and admire, which my deep respect was (and is) rarely earned by my peers. I didn't long anymore to be old enough to date and have someone ask me out. Until it was the real thing, I was just no longer interested in relationships. 

I began writing letters to my future husband. I began praying for him. I would lay in bed in the mornings, staring at the ceiling and daydreaming about this unknown young man, whoever he was, wherever he was. And in those years, I began falling in love with him. How, I still don't completely understand. But I knew the heart for Jesus he would have. I knew the character and integrity he would have. And I knew the godly qualities and virtues he obviously would not have manifested to perfection in his life but that I knew the Lord would be cultivating in him. And I fell in love with that. With his heart and his love for my first Love, Jesus. I grew to love him deeply. And I couldn't wait to meet him. I kept it to myself mostly- I always felt awkward sharing romantic feelings with my family- but in those years, I dreamed so much of that day. 

I knew girls rarely ever ended up with a guy who matched their ideal of physical appearance and personality, but I was like most girls and dreamed up those details for my future husband nonetheless. (We've all done it, right?) Those ideals changed over the years, as did my ideal of his career (cowboy, military man, politician), but I had a few steady preferences. My imaginary future husband always had brown hair and he always had an acoustic guitar in hand. He was always pretty quiet to some degree, more on the introspective serious side. I remember always imagining myself, quiet as I was, to be the more outgoing, talkative, and youthful of us both. He always loved children. And in my imagination, he was always mature, very ambitious, very passionate, very driven. 

It was about this same time when I began writing inspirational novels. Being such a romantic, of course there was always a thread of romance woven into the plots. And though I wouldn't realize it until years later, the heroes of my stories in those books were all patterned after my idea of my future husband. As I grew older, I came to not care about his physical appearance anymore and I'm still trying to be a little more flexible in my ideals of his personality. As for the guitar... that's a hard one to let go of. I'm working on it. ;) Laugh, but in my late teens, I had decided I wanted a guy with what I called a "monk's heart." A guy so passionate and so focused on his relationship with the Lord and doing what the Lord had called him to do that as I entered the scene, a relationship would be the last thing on his mind. His feelings for me would always be secondary to his greater passion. And I was so sure that a young man with that heart and character was somewhere in the world, waiting just like me for the Lord to bring us together in His timing. 

By my eighteenth birthday though, I was pretty sure that young man didn't exist. As far as I knew, no guy had ever had any real romantic interest in me and in fact, no guys even talked me. I had never even had a guy friend. I watched girls in their early teens enter relationships. I was eighteen. According to my mental little timeline, I was supposed to have met my future husband by then. I was tired of waiting and through with romance. 

I grew very hardened and very calloused in that time. I had gotten to a point where I didn't even expect to ever be loved back, but I had so much love to give, I just wanted someone to let me love him. After rejection and disappointment through my teenage years beginning with my first and only infatuation, I was very hurt and very bitter. I blamed the Lord for the seemingly rotten way He was writing my love story. Consequently, I wasn't in the strongest place spiritually, walking the closest to the Lord. 

I wanted nothing more to do with relationships. I had liked a boy once before and if that was what love was, once was enough for me. It was fine for books and movies and other people's lives- I didn't mind it there- but I was done with it in my own. When it came to my own life, I was good just as I was. I was determined: I would stay single the rest of my life and confine my romantic inclinations completely to my novels. I would be an independent career woman, strutting around in a skirt suit with a leather portfolio in my arms. A woman who was fine on her own without any man. 

It just wasn't worth it. I decided that opening my heart was not worth the risk of getting disappointed and hurt again when a guy in my imagination never showed up in real life to love me back. I grew cold and I boarded up my heart. I built walls around it. Walls so high. My heart grew so calloused that eventually my once-tender and compassionate heart could feel nothing anymore. Not compassion, not sympathy, and certainly not love. I had thought I was just closing my heart off to romance, but it sealed my heart off to all capability of feeling real love for anything or anyone. It was numb. I couldn't cry; I never laughed anymore from mere happiness. 

I had turned eighteen in October. But by the close of that January, I was completely changed. The morning of January 24th, the walls of my heart came crashing down. For the first time, I fully surrendered my life to the Lord. I gave up all control of my own heart, my own life, my own future plans. And in that deciding moment of surrender, I can still remember the glowing warmth of joy again that had suddenly spread throughout my body as I had laid there in bed. I couldn't stop smiling from pure happiness that morning. I felt such a peace in my spirit that I hadn't felt in months. 

That morning, the Lord began using one of my friends to break apart every hardened layer of my heart. To teach me how to open my heart again. It still remains one of the scariest things I've ever done before. He used that friend more than any other one individual in my life to grow me spiritually and draw me closer to Himself, and likewise, He tasked me for a season to pray diligently for my friend and on a few occasions to even share some encouragement. I began growing more intimately with the Lord that spring than ever before. He began teaching how to love. How to really love others in a way I never had. He began teaching me how to love unconditionally like He loves me. And for the first time, I began really understanding His love. 

My life changed that year. I learned how to forgive and let go of my bitterness. I learned how to really love. And I surrendered to Jesus so much more than I had ever expected to that initial morning. The Lord called me that spring to give up every part of my future plans and dreams for myself. Everything I had held so tightly to and had turned to for comfort growing through my teenage years. I had to let go of my plans of becoming a professional horse trainer and of becoming a published Christian novelist. My lifelong best and only friendship fell apart. Even my ideal of my future husband was shattered from my imagination. 

As the year had progressed, many times I came near to slamming the door of my heart shut again. But at a still small voice inside of me, I never did. Last year, I was faced with the greatest temptation of all though to board up my heart again. The memory of hurt and rejection came flooding back to me in those two months and my instinct was to block out those feelings. I knew it wasn't God's will, I knew what it did to my heart, I remembered my experience building up walls just two years before. I knew how it isolated me and rendered me incapable of loving anyone the way God calls me to love, but I didn't want to go through those feelings again. And I came very close to growing calloused and cold and bitter once more. 

But I didn't. This time, it hurt me more to close off my heart. This time, the Lord had taught me how to truly love others now and I couldn't lock that up. With love that the Lord put in my heart, I pushed through the misinterpretation and the painful memories, forced to face them and deal with them for good, and I healed. No more band-aids. No more scabs. And certainly no regrets from that experience. I'll never regret the past two years. 

At the start of this new year, I've found myself in a place I've never been. My heart is still open and soft. I love more than ever now. I still get lonely sometimes and I still miss days past. But for the first time in my life, I'm watching the Lord unfold a far greater plan in my life than only romance. Is romance part of that plan? That isn't for me to know. But it's no longer on center-stage. 

I find myself happier and healthier as a single young woman than I ever have been. I'm still a romantic to the core but since two years ago, I can share the joy and excitement of others' new relationships without any pang of envy or even bittersweetness. Since this year, all of that focus and ambition I used to imagine finding in my future husband, I've found in myself instead. I have my own passions, my own dreams, my own interests now that are truly my own. That aren't tied to my family, my friends, or to any young man. That aren't dependent on anyone's opinion or anyone else's interest. New things the Lord has put on my heart that are part of who I am now. 

And I'm going to be busy and focused now off pursuing those things. I don't have time to dwell on loneliness anymore or to daydream much, and I've learned that life is too short to be sad and look back. All of that time and energy I'm now pouring into the things the Lord is calling me to do. It fuels me and motivates me. There's too much to do for the Lord's glory for me to wait around anymore. 

Rather than holding it back frustrated, I'm finding new outlets now for my over-abundance of love. I'm proud of myself and of how far I've come now. I'm trying to take better care of myself for me and to prepare my body for the things God has in store for me to do. 

I'm not embracing that independent feminist stance anymore like I've done in the past. I need men in my life and I feel no shame or weakness in admitting it. I need them. And I still hope someday to get married and have a family- I'm certainly not turned off to relationships anymore. But relationships are now more to me about genuinely loving someone and laying a godly foundation together for the future than they are about holding a status. It isn't a "relationship" I hope for. It's someone I can be free to love and serve in that way and who will love me. It's more to me about being someone's girlfriend than it is about having a boyfriend. (If that makes sense to anyone else.)

And the truth? For the first time, I'm not looking for romance anymore. I'm not looking for it and I don't want anyone looking for it for me. If the Lord orchestrates it, that's wonderful, but I don't have the time or focus to be looking for love anymore. To be playing the game of initial flirting, conveying interest but not letting too much of your feelings show, trying to impress, wondering if a guy likes you back. Maybe God has a future husband in mind for me; maybe He doesn't. But for the first time in nine years, I'm okay with either outcome. If it's His plan for me  to stay single, I'm okay with that. Not because I'm resigning to the idea of "forever singleness." Not because I've thrown in the towel and want nothing to do with men. And not because I'm discouraged and hopeless. But because I want the Lord's will and plan for my life more than anything else and I'm already loved by my Heavenly Bridegroom and first Love with a love that any young man can only strive to reflect to me. 

Single sisters. I don't know where you find yourself today, this Valentine's Day. I don't know what feelings are pressing on your heart. But to that one lonely girl who's reading this- be it on my FB, on my blog FB page, or on my actual blog- I want you to know that the young woman writing these words knows what it feels like. I know what it feels like to feel so alone, to be lonely. I know what it feels like to be discouraged, disappointed, frustrated. I know what it's like to feel rejection and humiliation. I know what it's like to feel unwanted and broken. But I also know what it's like to have both a bad experience AND a good experience. I know what it's like to be infatuated and I know what it's like to love. 

And to that one girl, I want to remind you: You Are Loved. 

Our society places so much emphasis on romance. On love, on relationships, and especially on lust. Through advertisements and entertainment, it makes us question our worth without romance. "Am I pretty enough? Am I smart enough? Am I sexy enough? Am I worthy enough?" And beautiful girl, you are. Stop asking the questions. Stop the self-deprecating thoughts and the doubts. Kick them to the curb. Because you are ENOUGH. 

To Jesus, you are more than enough. You are beautiful. You are clever and intelligent. You are gorgeous and perfectly formed. You are worthy of being loved. You are enough. His love is a love to conquer all earthly loves. No one can love you as much as Jesus does. Not your parents, not your friends, not a guy, not even yourself. All other forms of love are mere reflections of His love for you. Your parents' love reflects His love for you as your Heavenly Father. Your boyfriend's love for you should reflect His love for you as your Heavenly Bridegroom and your Lover. For us and anyone else to think ourselves or others undeserving of being loved is to place our standard of qualifications higher than those of the Lord. 

Valentine's Day is not a day of romance. It, and every other day, is a day to celebrate the virtue of love. Yes, the virtue. Because love is more than the "butterflies" feeling it's portrayed as and it's more than even a commitment. Love is a virtue. And every day, we should celebrate and demonstrate that love, lavishing it on those around us. Our love for the Lord, the love that He provides in our heart for others, and our love for ourselves as the Lord's masterpiece. 

Don't let disappointments or delays in romance make you cold, sweet girl. Romance is not a synonym for love. It is merely a branch of the virtue, only one of many outlets to express love. There is much more to life and to love than that one avenue. Don't worry about the people who don't return your love; there is so much joy to be found just in giving. So keep your heart open. Show the world your beautiful smile again. And allow the Lord to unpackage for you the immensity of His contagious love for you. Let it captivate your heart this Valentine's Day as you realize how fully and deeply you are already loved and let it flow from your heart to touch every heart around you. 

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control..." Galatians 5:22&23

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1Corinthians 13:4-8

Special Place

Hawaii's kind of a special place to me. It's a long story and I can't put my finger on one time or place it became such, but I like learning about different places and as I've learned more about the state, the way of life there, the culture, the best things and the very worst things about Hawaii, and the native Hawaiian language and the local Pidgin, it's somehow found a pretty special place in my heart. How could it not? 

I've never been there yet in my life (someday I'll make a point to visit!) but if you study at all about the place, you realize that Hawaii is much more than calendar photographs of Waikiki Beach and Diamond Head or colorful Hawaiian shirts or the romantic paradise pictured in resort pamphlets. It's much more. 

I read once that you don't "see" Hawaii, you experience it, and even though I've never been there, I know that's true. Past the tourism, "Hawaii" is more than just a cluster of islands. It isn't just a location on the globe. It's a different way of life, it's a different pace. It's rich culture kept alive, woven into the everyday. It's a spirit of friendliness and acceptance, arms open. It's community and ohana: family. Even among horrendous Honolulu traffic and 9-to-5 jobs, it's being more laid back, worrying less, carrying less stress, taking time out for adventure and making memories and focusing on what matters most. It's simpler. It's about working hard, loving and caring for the land and for each other, enjoying the outdoors all around you, and focusing on who you are as a person, more than it is about material possessions or your social status or the size of your house or the weightiness of your paycheck. It's the "Aloha spirit."

You can't spend any significant length of time there and not be changed. Be it homesick to go back, using "mauka" and "makai" in directions, "mahalo" in your thank-you's, or craving infamous shave ice and malasadas. You leave a piece of your heart there. 

So to share a little Aloha, here's an article I love about some of the awesome lessons Hawaiian locals can teach us from their special way of life. <3  http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5265795