I've had my driver's license for over a month now. I've had my car for just as long.
For most new drivers, driving on their own in a new-to-them, nice car is thrilling. It's liberating. It's exhilarating. It's freedom. Most new drivers are young, in their teenage years, eager and restless to test their wings. It's an exciting experience.
But to me, this past month has had a different effect on me.
It's been exciting. It's been convenient. It's been nice being able to go places without worrying about other's schedules or inconvenience. But it isn't what I expected it to be like.
I didn't expect it to change me the way that it has.
I've always been very close to my parents. Partly because since I couldn't drive on my own, I tagged along with them everywhere and they drove me everywhere. But mostly, it was because I love my parents and I love spending time with them. I love their company. We used to do everything together and we all three loved it that way. It's an advantage of being the youngest child, the last one at home, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
But in the past month, that's been changing. I still love hanging out with my parents and my whole family, but we've been spending less time together. It isn't a good thing, nor would I say that it's a bad thing. It's change. And change is what it is.
I've watched this past month as a path of my own is being laid. I'm watching as my life is beginning to slowly veer off in its own direction. The direction the Lord has for it. I'm watching as my parents are beginning to experience for the first time what it's like to be empty-nesters, to have all adult children with their own lives. I'm watching as they find their new identity- or their old identity again I should say- together as a couple apart from their children, and I've been watching- encouraging even- as they've begun building a new season of life as just the two of them.
This past month, I've spent less time than usual with my parents and more time than usual with my friends and my church family. My social life and my family life is at a balance with each other now. I've strengthened relationships and made new connections. I've developed a physical presence of my own apart from my family and apart from my parents' name and reputation. I've been stretched out of my comfort zone and I've had to problem solve on my own when my parents aren't there. I've had to make more decisions on my own and rely on my own good judgement and discernment and common sense. I've had to use my own money and learn to be wise with my own finances, setting myself limits and following them. I've had to watch my own back and be aware of my own surroundings when I'm not in the protection and shelter of my mom and dad.
And somewhere on the road, going back and forth between home and my destinations, it's changed me.
I've always been independent and have always had a pioneering spirit, but now I find myself in a season on my own more than ever. On one side, I have my church family and my closest girlfriends, supporting me in their own way. On the other side, I have my loving family, supporting in their own way. And I with my time oscillate like a clock pendulum between the two sides. My time is never wholly devoted to one group anymore long enough to feel settled. To feel a true resting place where I can stay and never leave.
Somewhere in the middle between my family and my friends, I find myself alone. And it's in the silence of my car when I'm on the road, when the echo of laughter has ceased and no one else is around, that I feel it most.
Maybe a few months ago, I thought I would've hated that feeling. But I don't.
Between driving to and fro, running errands, job-hunting, I think I spend more time now alone than I ever have. But the truth is, I'm not lonely. In this past month, I've never once felt loneliness. In fact, I like being alone. Not because I'm antisocial and I don't enjoy the company of others anymore, but because it's when I'm alone that I'm most aware of His presence with me.
In the past month, I've felt the Lord's presence throughout my days in a way I never have before. Since having my own car, I've spent more time with Him alone as I drive than I have in a long time: thinking, praying, listening to worship music, singing to Him at the top of lungs without worrying about hitting a high note, even bobbing my head a little sometimes. Driving with the windows down on a mild sunny afternoon, the wind blowing, my cheetah-print sunglasses on, singing to Jesus... It's been wonderful!
I've found myself more available than ever for the Lord to use me without the cares and consideration of others with me. Without worrying about what anyone with me will think or how they'll feel or hearing them say that my actions will be socially awkward. Without worrying about the time and disrupting their agenda because if God were to call me into motion, I'd only have my own time to lose. I've been able to help people in small ways. Small acts of kindness with a genuine smile. I've been able to take the time to small talk one-on-one with servers and cashiers, helping them laugh again amidst a long day of work. I've been able to compliment people and make their day a little brighter. I've been able to confidently meet people's eyes and exchange a smile with them, shining God's love and joy to them without saying a word. I've been able to reach out in kindness to more people.
And as a result, I've begun seeing my actions changing even when I'm not alone anymore. I find myself more aware of the individuals around me and more perceptive. I ask the cashier how she's doing before she asks me. I make friends with people: maybe only for a few minutes, but for those few minutes, we're friends. I'm becoming more bold in reaching out to others. I see a world around me now that can use more happiness and I want people to feel more joy and believe again when they cross my path, be it for a couple minutes or for forever, that there is still love and goodness in this life.
“Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile.”-Mother Teresa
When I began driving on my own, I felt like I was being thrown to the wolves at the thought of braving the "real world" on my own. I held the conception that the majority of people are rude and difficult, self-seeking, concerned with only their own interests. But being on my own has restored my faith in humanity. I found just the opposite. I've encountered genuinely kind people. People who are good-hearted. The majority of them, in fact. People who will even offer a helping hand to those around them. My perspective has changed. And I think perhaps, just maybe, how we perceive people's attitudes has a lot to do with our own expectations and attitudes.
But more than anything, I've been aware of the Lord's presence with me in a way I've never experienced before. When I'm on the road, driving to and fro, it's just me and God and my little car Leilani, that "Sonoma Red" Nissan Altima. I find myself alone, restless, somewhere tossing back and forth between my friends on one side and my family on the other. And I've learned more than ever- really learned- that no matter where I go in this world, near or far, no matter what people and strangers I find myself surrounded by, I am never alone. In my travels, in my stepping out to do what God calls me to do, in my going to new places and my meeting new people, in those seasons when my friends and my family may not always be at hand... there is still one Someone Who I have with me every minute of every day. Someone Who is with me in the craziness and chaos of interacting with a busy and fast-paced world. Someone Who is with me in the love and laughter of my time spent with my family and my friends. Someone Who is with me when I'm driving alone in the quiet of my car on a serene back road.
People will come and go in my life. Change is inevitable. Life takes us to different places. God has a unique path for each of our lives to take. But I've learned to recognize and to feel the Lord's presence with me now wherever I go.
"...I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." -Joshua 1:5,9
And I know this now, not just in my head but in my heart. Is change hard, yes. Is physical distance difficult, of course. But I know now that wherever Jesus takes me in this life, even in the moments when I feel alone, He is always with me and His presence gives me joy and it gives me peace and it gives me comfort. Wherever He is, I can feel at home. In Him rests my place of belonging. And if He is with me, that is all that I need. He is all I need.
