Wisdom of Silence

"Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble." -Proverbs 21:23

It's no secret that I'm an open person. I choose to make myself vulnerable. I generally don't hesitate to share my thoughts, my opinions, my reflections. But in reality, for being so open, rarely do I share my feelings.  

In being so guarded in sharing my feelings with others, I've always had one weakness though and a very strong one at that: my desire for mutual transparency to connect with others' hearts. Finding someone who is willing to open up to me is so rare that it drives me to share the deepest chambers of my feelings with them in return. It causes me to often forget that trust is something to be earned with time. I've often not heeded my discernment in those moments and I can recall times now that I regret and wish I hadn't been so hasty to share my feelings. Other times, I have been too transparent in my written words. Writing about myself and the people in my life is a natural habit of a writer that I haven't always exercised enough discretion with in the past and it's given me more cause for regret. 

I was given an opportunity once to share with a friend one of the deepest parts of my heart. A part that not even all of my family has been allowed to see. And in opening up and sharing my rarely-voiced feelings with him, my quiet friend reminded me through his example the wisdom of silence and the qualities to discern in my listeners before opening my heart to them. 

Here are a few of the traits of a good confidant that I'm now learning to look for in others before being too quick to expose the feelings of my heart:

A good confidant will genuinely care about you, for if he (she) cares about you as a friend, he will care about your feelings and handle them with gentleness and sensitivity. Not everyone who will listen to your feelings will actually care about them. 

A good confidant will respect you. His respect for you will be obvious in the way he speaks to you and the manner in which he treats you. 

Because a good confidant will respect you, he will value your thoughts and your opinions. He will never take lightly what you have to say. He will show so by being attentive when you speak. By being a good listener and giving you his full attention. By being present in his mind in the conversation. 

A good confidant will be trustworthy. Someone you can trust with your reputation, for when you share a piece of your heart with someone, you are giving him an area of control over you. He should be someone you can trust to respect your privacy and to realize that not everyone needs to know what is said between the two of you. A good confidant is someone you can trust to keep your privacy and not fear him being "loose-lipped" and allowing secrets to slip out. 

A good confidant will be honest and will act with integrity. You should never have to fear that your confidant will trifle with your feelings and manipulate them for heartless advantage. 

A good confidant will be responsible. If there be a disagreement or a miscommunication that need be addressed, a good confidant and friend won't allow you to bear the blame of it alone. He'll take responsibility for his part in it... even if you don't consider the fault to be mutual. You may even end up going back and forth with apologies as each tries to take the responsibility from the other. :) 

And a good confidant will be forgiving. He won't judge as you open up and share your heart or as you take forever contemplating, trying to verbally express your thoughts and feelings. (We know it happens to the best of us.) A good confidant is patient, understanding, and never out of second chances to give. 

The Lord's taught me through my friend's example to be more cautious with whom I share my feelings and choose to be so transparent with. He's taught me now that there's wisdom in knowing when to stay silent and when to speak. "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven... a time to keep silence, and a time to speak..." Ecclesiastes 3:1&7

I'm so exceedingly thankful for the few individuals in my life- male and female- whom I have been able to be bluntly honest and transparent with. Thank you, two of my friends in particular, for showing me these qualities of a good confidant, listener, and friend. :)

Vulnerability is a beautiful thing, reader friends, but remember to use discernment and discretion in whom you share the deepest personal parts of your heart with. "Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger..." James 1:19 There's beauty in an open heart, but there's wisdom in being slow to speak. 

 

The Dangers of Focus

I'm very future-focused. Very. I have been since I was in my early teens. 

I consider being future-focused to be a wonderful quality. Honestly, I count it as one of my strong points. I believe it's good to plan ahead and begin preparing for the future. That's how we get ambitions and goals and aspirations. 

But two days ago as I contemplated this quality I have, I realized that being so focused on the future may not necessarily always be a good thing. 

I realized that there are two dangerous things that future-focused individuals need to be guard for. 

The first is balance. Being focused on the future is a good thing. But there needs to be a balance between living in the future and living in the present. If we aren't careful, it's easy to become so preoccupied looking ahead that we forget to look around us where we are. It's easy to forget to live in the here and now and to enjoy the gift of every day and of the season we're in at the present. There needs to be balance. 

And the second is flexibility. For those of us that are future-focused, we have a distinct idea of how our lives should unfold. We have them planned. We have a timing for everything to happen. We have a place for everything to fit in. Like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. 

But I know from experience in my own life that sometimes we can become too focused on those future plans and become too rigid in them. God loves surprises. He's brought about events in my life that I never expected at times when I never expected change. And in being so future-focused, I found it incredibly difficult to accept that God's plan for my life veered from the detailed plan I had. 

When we become too rigid in our plans or too future-focused, I've realized that sometimes we don't take as many chances or risks. Chances that maybe we should take. Chances that are part of God's plans instead. 

If we're too rigid and focused on the plans we've made for our future, I've learned that we might miss opportunities and people that God brings into our life as part of His plans for us. We might miss them simply because maybe they aren't exactly what we had planned, maybe they didn't come the way we had expected, or maybe they didn't come when we had planned for them to. Because they simply don't fit into the plans we've made for our future. Because we aren't willing to be flexible and take some chances and conform our plans to His when they prove to be different from each other. 

As the quote goes from the Anne of Green Gables movie: "What is to be, will be, Rachel," says Marilla. "And what isn't to be, sometimes happens," Rachel Lynde reminds her.

There's truth to that. While it's easy to say "What's meant to be will be if it's God's will," we sometimes forget the ingredient of free will. God doesn't make us do anything. People and opportunities don't a always wait around forever until the time comes when you had planned for them to fit into your future. God will always have a Plan B for you- He works all things for the good of those who love Him- but if we aren't flexible and open to His intervention in our future plans and to His curveballs, we might miss what He had originally intended for us. 

Hawaiian Hurricanes

A few days ago when I heard news of approaching Hurricane Iselle and Hurricane Julio, I was a little concerned. After doing research last night, I found myself in bed at 2:30 in the morning with both my weather app and my world clock set for Hawaii, lying there reading the latest news reports on my iPhone and praying. "Don't let it keep you up all night," my mom warned. 

And logically this morning I had to ask myself: "Why am I so concerned about people I have never met?" Why was I so concerned about over a million people I have never met in a place I have never been? Why was this so important to me?

And the answer was simple: God's love. 

Sad movies don't affect me. Sad songs don't affect me. But when I see people hurting, sad, stressed, worried, or suffering in any way, it affects me deeply. 

It's for that reason that two years ago, my heart silently cried as I watched a homeless man root through garbage cans looking for his dinner. It's why my heart breaks every time I look through the World Vision catalogue or see pictures of people in underdeveloped countries. It's why I find satisfaction in loving on children who are hurting emotionally. It's why I'll comfort and pray for a friend at the altar in church. It's why I avoid the news often- because I know how deeply it affects my emotions and I have to protect my heart. 

I feel the pain or anxiety of others deeply. It's what makes me so nurturing and makes me want to hug every hurting person in the world and make their emotional ouchies go away. It's why I often feel so helpless and why God is forever having to remind me that I can help others by praying even if I can't help in any other way. 

I have a great deal of compassion and empathy for people. But I don't always like it. Sometimes it makes me want to turn off my heart. And sometimes I do. Because I feel so much and so deeply for people. For everyone struggling in some way, and then multiply it ten times for those I really care for. 

Many a time have I wondered if I love people too much. Many a time have I bemoaned my ability to empathize. Oftentimes I have felt over-dramatic and have considered my depth of caring to be one of my worst weaknesses. In truth, many times I have wanted to wish it away. 

Why was I so concerned about those people in Hawaii that I have never met?

The answer was simple: because of God's love. 

And it's the same answer every time to why I care so deeply. 

When I realized that, it changed everything about my perspective. 

My ability to love so much- my ability to empathize, to feel such moving compassion, to be so concerned for others- I realized that it isn't a sign of weakness. It isn't something to bemoan and be ashamed of. It isn't a personality flaw.

As I questioned my concern for the people faring the hurricanes in Hawaii, I realized that the gift of feeling so deeply is God manifesting His love in me and through me. I realized that it is just that: a gift. A gift that I had been viewing wrongly. 

God manifests His love in different ways in all of us. Not everyone will feel the empathy, compassion, and concern for others that I feel. But God manifests His love in and through each one of us. Like I was, sometimes we're afraid of how He manifests that love in us though. I often resented my gift of compassion because I didn't always like to feel. There were times when I would turn my heart off and close up, not always for my emotional health but because I just didn't want to feel so deeply. And no matter how God chooses to manifest His love in us, I think that's a fear that we're all capable of experiencing. A fear of loving too much. A fear of feeling. 

But the truth is, we can never care too much. We can never feel too much for people. However God chooses to manifest His love through us, we can never love others too much. Because it's His loving IN us shining through. For those like me, the ability to feel deeply the emotions of others is a gift. It's the way God chooses to shine His love through us. But however the Lord chooses to shine His love through you, please never consider it a weakness or a fault. It takes a strong person to love and let love show. Please never be afraid to let God manifest His love in you and through you, friends. 

Discipline

I was babysitting again this morning. And as they usually do go hand-in-hand together, the Lord inspired me with another spiritual illustration to share. 

Anyone who has had children or worked with children understands that discipline is a necessity. It can't be avoided. No matter how perfect the child is, a situation will always arise sometime and you will have to do what you have to do. 

Today I had to discipline my favorite toddler girl. :( Yes, it broke my heart. Especially since I understood that having a new baby brother home now, she was still adjusting to the change of not being an only child and not receiving as much attention as she was used to. 

In response to my not allowing her to do something, she made an utter mess on the floor. And when I told her to pick up the mess, she ignored me. So I did what I sadly had to do. I had to pause her Curious George movie until she would obey and pick up her mess. 

To this toddler girl, no "George" is a big deal. A really big deal. There were lots of tears. Big alligator tears. And when, even being upset with me, she would still want to sit on my lap and I would cuddle her as she cried in protest of my discipline... I really wanted to give in then. Withholding from her what she wanted- her Curious George show- was definitely not something I enjoyed doing. It hurt to see her cry like that because of me and not be able to allow myself to stop her tears. 

She enjoys it when I babysit her. We have fun playing. And I feared that my first time having to discipline her would mar that fun impression she has of me. But I love her. I love her enough to risk her love for me in order to build her character. I admit, it would've been much easier to just pick up the mess myself and be done with it in a matter of ten seconds. But how would that build Eliana's character? What would that teach her?

Sometimes the Lord has to discipline us His children. I've been disciplined by Him before and it's not fun. Just as He withheld the gift of the Promised Land from a full generation of Israelites, sometimes in disciplining us, He has to withhold from us His blessings until we learn to trust Him, submit to His authority, and listen and obey Him. It's not something He enjoys doing. He doesn't take any pleasure or satisfaction in seeing our tears as we struggle against His will. He loves us. And that never changes. Even in our anger and frustration with Him sometimes, if we run into His arms rather than away from them, His arms are always still open to hold us. He's always still there to comfort us and reassure us that He still loves us. Nothing we do can change that. 

But He still must discipline us and sometimes His correction can drive His children away from Him. We can become bitter and in our free will, can choose to walk away from Him. And it happens sometimes to those who don't truly love Him as much as they claim to in the midst of His blessings. But God loves us too much to not discipline us. To not help us grow and build our characters.

He never leaves us to learn the lesson alone though. Being the sweetheart that she is, Eliana eventually agreed to pick up the mess and we cleaned it up together, making a game of it. I picked up one piece, then she picked up one piece, taking turns. And when all was cleaned up, I dried her tears, wiped her snotty nose, praised her for obeying, and... we finished watching her Curious George. It gave me the greatest pleasure to play that show again for her. And her love for me faded not a bit. I so love that little girl to pieces! <3

While God commands us to obey Him, He doesn't leave us to obey Him alone. In His love for us, He's always there, helping us and working behind-the-scenes. Because He wants to bless us. He wants to press that play button. But we need to learn to trust Him, to surrender, and to obey first or we won't be prepared and equipped for all that He has in store to bless our lives with.

"My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in." 

-Proverbs 3:11&12