Strength in the Struggles
I’d like to open this post by asking
you all a question that the Lord put on my heart a couple of Sunday mornings
ago in church: What is real strength?
What is the definition of strength?
Let me tell you a little story about
the old me. For most of my years as a
teenager, I always tried to be tough. I
never shared my deepest feelings with anyone; I never really opened up and
talked. If something hurt me
emotionally, I told myself to suck it up and just deal with it- to take it like
a trooper and not be a baby. Eventually,
over the years, this grew easier to do with practice. But it also had another effect- one that at
the time, I didn’t realize. I grew very
calloused. Very insensitive, very
apathetic, very hardened. I developed a
“whatever” attitude. I never cried. I never sobbed from sadness, wept tears of
joy, or cried broken in the Lord’s presence.
The rare occasions when I forced myself to let the pent-up tears come
just to make me feel better, I’d allow myself to cry for five minutes and then telling
myself to shut up and suck it up again, I’d turn the tears off like a faucet. Yes, I was very hard on myself.
When I would fall when horse-back
riding and training, I never cried. If I
experienced physical pain, I’d suck up the tears, ignore the throb, and tell
myself to get over it and keep moving.
To let anyone see my pain- physical or emotional- was not an option;
brokenness was not something I allowed for myself.
But that Sunday morning, as I wept
in the Lord’s presence, I realized something in that moment. Over the past several months, the Lord had
been peeling away the callouses of my heart and had replaced my heart of stone
with a heart of flesh again. “I will
give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from
them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.” (Eze 11:19) My sensitivity for others and my compassion
had gradually returned. I learned to
open my heart again. And I learned to
fall broken before the Lord and allow the tears to come.
So many times, I had lamented to my
best friend, “Why I can’t control this?
I always used to be able to hide this.
Why can’t I anymore?” No matter
how hard I tried, I began to realize that I was no longer the “tough cookie” I
used to be and that God was slowly removing my callouses and softening my heart
again.
Unfortunately, when the tears come
now, they come. Without my hard shell, I
often feel like an iPhone without a case: exposed and vulnerable. I often feel like I wear my heart on my sleeve,
and I’ve grown more pensive and reflective these
days. I cry from spiritual struggles aond
loneliness, from the burden on my heart for others, from the humility and
surrender I experience in the Lord’s presence, and from my imperfections,
unworthiness, and deficiency to be used by Him and receive His love and mercy. With as many tears as I had been shedding
though, I began to feel like just the opposite of the little fighter I used to
be and oftentimes, felt weak-willed, like I had no backbone at all anymore,
like I needed to return to “just sucking it up.”
Everyone has their own definition of
what strength is. To our world, strength
automatically brings to mind physical strength.
Our society says that a strong, well-built and well-toned body is
considered highly desirable and highly attractive. They push the idea all around us- the
nutrition aisle of Wal-Mart, the posters at GNC, the images on the packages of
exercising equipment at Dick’s Sporting Goods…
Exercise and a healthy, balanced diet is good, yes, but are well-defined
muscles and marathon-endurance really the kind of strength God’s most looking
for in His people?
I
used to think that crying was a sign of weakness… whenever it pertained to me
anyways. My definition of strength
was that of so many. I’ve never been a
devoted exerciser, so I never had a problem seeing strength as being more than
physical fitness. But to me, strength
meant being able to take on staunchly with fists up whatever life handed you;
to be able to put up a good fight against brokenness, against tears, against
any pain or hurt. To be emotionally
tough and not let anything get to you.
But as
the Lord is teaching me, real strength isn’t building a wall around yourself to
protect your heart. Pain and hurt are a
part of life. Times of weakness
come. Loving people, feeling compassion
and sympathy, and getting involved in others’ lives is all a part of a
Christian’s life. We can’t always avoid tears. The path the Lord has called us to walk is a
very difficult one- it’s the narrow road- and sometimes it’ll bring us to a
point of brokenness. But can it be that
real strength is actually found in those lowest points of our lives?
I
admit, this was not necessarily a new revelation the Lord revealed to me that
Sunday. He had used an unknowing
instrument to teach me this lesson quite a while ago, but at the time, I didn’t
see its significance for me. But as I’ve
entered into a new phase in my spiritual journey, the Lord reminded me of this
lesson. Though I’m not the “tough
cookie” I used to be, the fitness training of my strength has just begun. True strength is enduring all things in life,
not by numbing ourselves to feeling but by faith and trust in God’s perfect
plan and will for our lives even when the tears come. It’s found not in putting up a tough front
but in hands lifted in surrender and worship to the Lord.
We
like to think that all difficulties and trials are afflictions from the Enemy,
but honestly, that isn’t always the case.
“Yes, O Lord, you are our Father.
We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.”
(Isa 64:8) And sometimes, the Potter has
to break a pot. “Let me hear joy and
gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice.” (Ps 51:8) Broken bones are not always the curse we make
them out to be. Sometimes it’s exactly
in our moments of brokenness that we realize our dependency on God and learn to
trust Him more, when we realize how helpless we really are without Him. “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for
I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
(Mt 11:29&30) His yoke and burden is
light and easy compared to the burdens the Enemy will try to impose on you, but
the verse still doesn’t read “for I have no yoke and no burden.” He only tells us that His yoke and burden are
light.
In the month of April, I think it
was, the Lord gave me a visual or a vision if you will. As I laid there in bed, my eyes closed, I saw
myself on a road. I was walking along
and suddenly weight began to be placed upon my back. I stooped a little under it but continued
walking on with ease. As I watched,
however, more weight was gradually added and I stooped lower and lower until I
fell to my knees and resorted to crawling along. Eventually, I was flat on my stomach, simply
dragging myself forward. But I was still
moving. Finally, however, I fell flat on
my face from the weight upon me. I
couldn’t keep moving; it was too heavy.
I saw myself lying prostrate there, sobbing. I was tired from the struggle, I was exhausted,
I was weighed down and I couldn’t go on.
I didn’t have the strength.
As I watched though, I saw Jesus
come and bend down beside where I laid crying.
He ran His hand over my hair comfortingly and simply whispered a
reminder that He was still with me. I
waited for the visual to continue and to see Him help me up again to my feet… but
the vision ended and He never did.
At the time, I understood vaguely
the meaning of this illustration, but it wasn’t until two Sunday mornings ago
that the Lord brought the vision to my mind again and I realized the full
significance of it for me in this season.
The time when I was walking unburdened and aright symbolized the moment
at the close of January when I first embarked on this journey of surrendering
every part of my life to Him. Gradually
though, as I grew deeper in my relationship with Him and matured more
spiritually, I accumulated some weight on my back- not burdens like the sins
Christian carries with him in John Bunyan’s Pilgrim’s Progress but responsibilities,
tests, things the Lord had put on me to encourage my growth in Him. I wasn’t used to carrying so much though, so
I began to stoop. Suddenly I find myself
now flat on my face. Tired, yes. Waterworks, yes. Inability to carry the weight on my own,
absolutely. But the past five months had
been building up to this season, the Lord revealed to me. I had done a good job carrying it all, but
finally I was in the broken place He wanted me to be. I finally recognize my weakness on my own and
realize the extent of my dependency on Him, how I need Him not only to get
through hard times, but simply to survive.
To be my every breath, my giver of life.
But why did the vision end with me
still lying prostrate? Because the Lord
had placed the weight upon my back and it was His will for me to carry it for a
season first, to bear its weight for a time before He removed it. Why? To
produce character and to build strength.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many
kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops
perseverance. Perseverance must finish
its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (Jas
1:2-4)
With
that said, like Paul, I’m learning to find joy in my weakest moments. “But he (Jesus) said to me, ‘My grace is
sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly
about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in
weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2Co
12:9&10)
Times
of tears and moments of weakness are not always a curse, but often a blessing
instead. They aren’t always a bad
thing. I’ve learned to be grateful to
God for every time I cry because it continues to humble and break my proud
spirit that so easily becomes hardened.
And the Lord is merciful to those going through difficult seasons. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and
saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
(Ps 34:18) “The sacrifices of God
are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not
despise.” (Ps 51:17) And yes, “he heals the brokenhearted and
binds up their wounds,” (Ps 147:3) even though it might take some time of
carrying the burden and learning from it first.
Our God is a loving God though and just as a loving father doesn’t
discipline without good reason, so He doesn’t impose hardships for His enjoyment
or pleasure, but only for our own good and our spiritual growth. As Lamentations 3:32&33 reminds us,
“Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing
love. For he does not willingly bring
affliction or grief to the children of men.”
Just as Jesus reminded me in my vision that He was still with me even in
my moment of weakness, so He is always with us in every trial or difficulty we go
through in life. “As I was with Moses,
so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Jos 1:5) So too the Lord offers a promise for us in
our times of tears, a verse the Lord brings to my mind every time I cry, in
fact: “Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to
sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.” (Ps 126:5&6)
Real strength is not being able to
“just suck it up” and take on any hurt, any hardships, any trials that come our
way. It isn’t physical strength built by
working out at the gym. In fact, some of
the strongest people I know don’t seem to be the strongest physically, but as I
watch them submit themselves to the Lord’s will and face the “hard things” in
life with faith and trust in God, their strength of character inspires and
encourages me. So what is our real
strength? The Bible offers so many
verses that define this for us: “The Lord is my strength and my song; he has
become my salvation.” (Ex 15:2) “The
Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am
helped. My heart leaps for joy and I
will give thanks to him in song.” (Ps 28:7)
“O my Strength, I sing praise to you; you, O God, are my fortress, my
loving God.” (Ps 59:17) “The Lord is my
strength and my song; he has become my salvation.” (Ps 118:14) “The Lord is the strength of his people, a
fortress of salvation for his anointed one.
Save your people and bless your inheritance; be their shepherd and carry
them forever.” (Ps 28:8&9)
The Lord is our true source of
strength, and it’s in our weakest moments that we become strongest, for when we
are weak, He is strong. It is found not
in clenched hands but in open hands, hands not in a fist but lifted in
surrender. “I will give you a new heart
and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and
give you a heart of flesh. And I will
put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep
my laws. You will live in the land I
gave your forefathers; you will be my people, and I will be your God.” Eze
36:26-28
Jesus
love me, this I know
For
the Bible tells me so
Little
ones to Him belong
They
are weak but He is STRONG
“My
flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion
forever.” Psalm 73:26
*“Did you know that He weeps for
you? ’Cause He knows what you’re going through. Even when you feel lost and scared, He
promises that He’ll still be there. Did
you know His heart breaks for you? And there
is one thing that’s always true: that in your worst of times you’ll never cry
alone. Did you know He weeps for you?” –Weeps for You by Jonny Diaz
*“You know the things that have brought
me here. You know the story of every
tear. ’Cause You’ve been here from the
very start… Nothing left to hold onto, I
raise these empty hands to You. Here’s
my broken, here’s my broken hallelujah.” –Broken
Hallelujah by The Afters
~We’ve all heard of the phrase “pulling on her/ his heartstrings,”
but heart-chords? I was struggling to
decide what to name my blog. I wanted it
to be a name that was both creative and meaningful. As I pondered, my gaze fell upon my acoustic
guitar where it stands in my bedroom, and the Lord reminded me that our hearts-
our lives- are instruments. They are
constantly in song, but what melody our heart plays is each of our own
decisions. They can play a melody for
praise or for entertainment. A musician
selects his songs according to his audience.
So do we. Whether our audience is
the world or the Lord, our song will be different. This blog is designed to first, increase my
awareness in finding God and His guidance in my every day and second, to share
the music lessons He teaches me in tuning my heart to learn the chords of
praise He longs to play on my heart-instrument.
Music is a powerful tool. Use it
for His glory. “He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of
praise to our God. Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the Lord.” Psalm 40:3
